Things I Love (part one)

Looking around our flat I spot so many things I absolutely love. Things that I feel say a lot about me. Today we went to Höganäs with Jeanette, who came to visit us this weekend. I found this Moomin biscuit tin and naturally I just had to have it. So I decided it should be the first featured thing in my series of 'Things I Love' blogs. I'll warn you already, I have a lot of stuff so it might become quite a long series. But in all fairness all things come with a story, so I hope you won't be too bored.



In a week my parents and Basse will be here. My parents are going to visit K and Aled in Wales for a week and we'll be minding Basse while they're away. I can't wait! A whole week off with Basse around... that's life. Today he'll be the finishing act in my 'Things I Love' blog. Don't you just want to kiss him?

So what? I'm still a rockstar!

Say 'hello' to mini-D. Isn't it hilarious that that's me? Well it is me anno 1980, sporting a rather flattering yet slightly big hat. Johan and me visited my parents last weekend and I came home with a small collection of photos that I want to scan and have printed. Among these my parents gave me a collection of portraits that were taken of me by a Danish press photographer back when I was a baby. Le photo above is one of these. I love it.

I'm now D minus 8.5 kilos. That's a lot! Yet I still don't really feel like it's so much. Guess that's mostly because I know there's a long way to go still. Granted these first almost 10 kilos help a lot and it's actually a huge chunk of the kilos I want to lose, but still it's just under a third of what I should drop. Grumble. At least I'm on my way, right? And I'm not really suffering to be honest. It's all very much about routines and thinking about what you put in your mouth. I haven't had a piece of chocolate for two months now which is pretty spectacular. It's fantabolous to say the least. It's the shitniz. Yay me.

I'm planning to pack up my fiance and go to Wales for New Year's Eve. My mum and dad are coming here to Helsingborg for Christmas so I'm getting a bit of the Christmas I'm used to, but my sister is getting none of it. And I know that makes her sad. So I'll do all I can to come see her between Christmas and New Year's. That way we won't completely miss out on each other. Sisterly love is a wonderful thing.

Rock on good people.

Please forgive me

I've once again slipped into a stupid habbit of not writing often enough. In all fairness I'm quite busy and the first couple of weeks back in school leave their toll. I'm exhausted when I get back home and just feel like watching TV, being with Johan and not having to use my brain at all. But today was an early day for me, so I feel I have some leftover energy to write a bit.

I'm first of all looking amazingly much forward to the release of the new Fall Out Boy album 'Folie a Deux' on November 4th. Yes, that would also be election day in America, but who gives a hoot when you can spend time listening to the most awesome voice of all: Patrick Stump. I'm like a child before Christmas - I want November to be nooooow!

I'm now 7 kilos lighter, which I'm totally proud of. We've been dieting for 6 weeks, so it's a healthy but steady weightloss. At times it sucks being on a diet, but by now it has become routine. The other day at work two people were celebrating their birthdays and they brought cake and chocolate. Suddenly a colleague says 'Wow, you have such selfdiscipline' and suddenly it dawns on me that I've been chewing along on my carrots and cucumbers and haven't even thought about cake and chocolate. I think the fact that it can be in my presence, and me not even thinking about it, is so awesome. I'm on the right track here.

I started another blog, which I'm not going to link you to because I'm pretty sure that not many people would want to read it. It's basically about the whole baby thing we're going through and it's in Danish. I decided to create another blog for all of that because I'm well aware that I make people sick with all my baby talk. So to spare you guys I've taken it elsewhere. If anyone's interested in reading it you know where to find me for the link.

D minus 5

I did it! I had a personal goal for August. I wanted to lose 5 kilos and today when I weighed myself I was exactly 5 kilos lighter than when we started just over 4 weeks ago. I still have over a week left of August, so I'm excited to see if I'll lose even more. The diet still has it's rough days, but I think it's finally beginning to feel like a routine. I've gone more than a month without chocolate! Can you believe it? I hardly can since that's always been my number one vice. I'm not only a chocoholic, I'm a chocojunkie. But now that I've lasted this long without it, I don't really need it anymore. And no, that's not me trying to be all 'oh I wouldn't ever eat it again and I'm so good', because I'm not going to live a chocolate free life. I'm just not going to eat it often. And I think that's the whole key for me and a healthier lifestyle. I can't eat sugary things too often, but I won't totally deprive myself of them either, because wouldn't it become a very boring life if you couldn't ever treat yourself to something?

Yesterday I spent the day with a bunch of my colleagues. I had a wonderful time with them and I'm so happy that we're all getting along so well. I often feel sad because I left a huge part of my life back in Århus and my social life isn't what it was, but these wonderful women are helping me fill a void in my life.

Today I feel like it's kind of awesome to be me. But hey, you can't spell awesome without 'me' can you?

Oh what the fudge!?

This photo really makes me laugh! Basse looks Chinese, doesn't he? It's an old photo I just found on my computer. It was taken back in my old flat back in Århus, way before I moved to Sweden. It still makes me chuckle when I see it. Oh dear how I miss that dog.

Work's going smoothly so far. It's always rough starting up after a long break, but so far I'm quite optimistic. I was very nervous about starting up a first grade since I'd never tried that before, but it seems to go really well. There are challenges, definitely - some more tiring than others - but I'm still crazy about my job. I feel like I'm making a difference. Plus my dad says I'm a star and even though some people might think 'so what?', it can't even be explained how much it means to me to hear my dad say those words. My parents, my sister and my boyfriend truly believe in me and all that I do - so why can't I?

We've been dieting for the last month. We had planned to start our baby project about now, but we decided to postpone it a couple of months and shed some kilos. This morning, after 4 weeks of dieting, I had lost 4 kilos. 'What the fudge', I thought - this diet is actually working! See, I've become a firm believer of me never being able to lose the damn extra kilos I'm dragging around, but it seems that we might actually be on to something. I'm not starving myself, nor am I torturing myself with soups, shakes and nasties. I'm actually living quite well and still dropping the kilos. Miracles do happen - what the fudge?!

A Candle for Marilyn

I wanted to post this picture last night, but I just never got around to it. Yesterday it was 46 years since Marilyn Monroe passed away. I've made a little tradition out of lighting a candle for her on the night of August 5th.

And it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never knowing who to cling to

When the rain set in

And I would have liked to have known you

But I was just a kid

Your candle burned out long before

Your legend ever did

I know I suck, so don't remind me

It's been very long since my last post, I know. I'm also well aware that I suck not having updated, but not much I can do about that now. I guess I just needed a time out or something - a summerbreak from blogging. I'm going to try and slowly get back into writing as it's almost time to go back to work and I can pick up all my old habbits again.

I've had a few good months lately.

I had my birthday, which was awesome. My parents and my aunt and uncle came over a few days before my birthday to celebrate. I got so many awesome gifts this year. Thanks to everyone for the presents. It's very clear to me that the people who give me gifts truly know who I am and what I like. I love that.

Lady Lei visited me and Johan for a weekend, which was also awesome. We had a couple of really great days together where we among other things went to Bakken to meet up with Edel. It was lovely having Lei here.

Marianne and Morten also came for a day to see how we live and just to hang out. Was great fun having them here as well. I love having visitors and being 'the hostess'. It's fun cooking for guests and doing something special.

We went to Denmark for our summerholidays this year. We spent a week in Vejlby Klit with my family, ie mum, dad, K and Al. We stayed in a gorgeous house with a pool, spa and all the goods. The weather was great and we had a really nice week there. We stayed at my parents' house for about a week as well, and it was lovely just to be with them. I guess moving away has made me more of a mum's and dad's girl than I ever was. I don't know, I just tend to miss them a lot. And of course there's Basse, who I can say with 100% certainty everyone would miss if they met him. It's always so empty coming home from a week or two in the company of Basse.

Things will speed up again in a week's time. I start work on Friday, the kids start on Monday. I'm looking forward to it in a way, which might have a lot to do with the fact that I have taken it very easy for the last couple of weeks. I need to be 100% ready for a new schoolyear with lots of new experiences and challenges.

On a more personal level I also start therapy from next week. My dad has been so kind to help me out financially, so I can get my anxiety/panicattacks sorted out. It all escalated just before the holidays started, and I was having multiple attacks most days of the week. I sense that this time out from work and most other things has helped so far. But I need to be able to handle these things in my worklife as well, so I'm getting help. I'm nervous, but looking forward to it.

Updates are hard! I can't really seem to think of all the many things I should be writing here. If I suddenly recall something I've left out, I'll fill you in.

They can break your cookie, but... you'll always have your fortune

• Currently feeling: sick
• Newest craze: Katy Perry - thanks to Patricia for introducing me to her music
• Currently in love with: the new blog design Johan's been working on for me

I've been ridiculous at writing lately. I know. I'm not even going to try and deny it. There's just been so much going on at work and as things are right now, work comes first. Sad but true. I guess it's just one of those things that comes with being a teacher. Somehow we tend to think we're a little bit saint - a little bit saviour. Only thing is, we're not really. We just seem to be unable to leave work behind when we head home. Or at least I think that's what it's all about. Experienced teachers seem to have this on/off button they can just switch on or off whenever they feel like it. Personally I just can't. I'm thinking it's because I'm a new teacher and I still let the little ones get in under my skin. I've always considered myself a rather empathetic person, but maybe there are situations where you need to be able to shut that off. If buying a bag of 'out of sight, out of mind' was possible, I'd be first in line fighting with teeth and nails.

So what has today been all about? It's been about a snotty nose and pure misery. Okay, not completely, but seriously... who enjoys having a cold? I feel sorry for myself even though I'm pretty sure it's self inflicted what with me riding my bike to work every day with no socks and semi short trousers. Have I learnt my lesson? Probably not. Note to self: Stock up on Kleenex every late April/ early May.

In 26 (almost only 25) days I'll be 28. Christ on a bike time really flies by. I've no big plans for the day at all. I've work on the day of my birthday and also the following day, so there's no real reason I should make any plans. Plus it's 28 - not much to celebrate. Send me a card if you'd like. That always puts a smile on my face. With all my past birthdays and all the cards I usually get I guess it's no wonder I'm turning wrinkly.

Check out Katy Perry I bet she'll be the talk of the town this summer, so do yourself a favour and check her out so you're prepared.

I spy with my little eye....

• Currently craving: summer holidays


• Hours spent cleaning: 5


• Currently in love with: half of IKEA's furniture, our car, my MAC eyeshadow, reading girly books, butterflies, the fact that I have two days off next week, the pink iPod nano, Patrick Stump's voice, Coheed and Cambria and Johan of course.

It's been a while since my last blog. Things are heating up at work and it's becoming more and more obvious that there's only a few months left before summer break, and by then the kids have to be ready to move up to the third grade. I think I'd rather not bore you with work talk, since it would possibly also be best if I tried to not think so much about it. Some days I feel 57 years old when I come home. I need to distance myself more.

Today we did a whole lot of cleaning. The flat really needed a good seeing to, so we spent extra time scrubbing. Johan did the laundry as well, so we can relax tomorrow and won't have to think about practical stuff. After we'd finished cleaning we went to IKEA to find a few bits and bobs we needed for the flat. Storage is always a problem, isn't it? But IKEA naturally has awesome solutions to most problems, so we got a few thingamajigs to sort our kitchen out. We spent a little time looking at dining tables and chairs and I think we kinda made up our minds about what we want. Now we just have to wait until there's a bit of money in our pockets. What with having bought a car recently, we're not exactly swimming in money. But hopefully it'll all work out fine in the end.

We spent a little time sorting out our balcony today as well. Pictured above is a hanging flowerpot we planted some nice purple flowers in (have no idea what they're called, and am too lazy to even try and figure it out) and I decorated it with a few butterflies. We also planted baby rocket salad recently and it's finally beginning to grow:

In all fairness I won't claim to have green fingers at all. I'm actually more of a specialist in killing plants, but every now and again I take pride in seeing if I've improved. Let's see if we'll have homegrown rocket salad for dinner soon and lovely, decorative flowers growing on our balcony.

Last weekend we were in Århus. We visited my parents and went to my cousin's confirmation. We also got around to see Marianne and Morten, which was great fun as always. I'm kinda bummed that we live so far apart now. I'd love to see all of them a lot more than I get to, but at least we always have a lovely time when we finally get to see each other. Marianne dished a little dirt on someone. Funny how people can pretend so much online and then in real life be total losers. Not that it comes as a surprise to me - you know, once a lying loser, always a lying loser. Just can't help this smile on my lips knowing that the loser failed her mission, just like we all predicted. Saying you're pursuing a degree, does not get you one. Who needs a degree to know that basic fact? Some people never change, not even when given the perfect opportunity to start all over. Wasted opportunities can only be excused so and so many times before it becomes evident that what goes around comes around. Karma's a bitch, ain't it? I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... ?

The one about Coheed and Cambria...

• Best part of the week: seeing Coheed and Cambria live
• Worst part of the week: a difficult parent-teacher conference
• Looking forward to: seeing Paramore live in June

Bye bye world, or will our hope still hold on?

Boy, you're never gonna see, the things that will come of these (days)

Raise your hands high!

Young brothers and sisters,

There's a world's worth of work and a need for you.

Oh, change is coming, feel these doors now closing in.

Is there no world for tomorrow if we wait for today?

A couple of years ago I came to a crossroad in my life. I basically just had enough of the way things were and I desperately needed a way to deal with a lot of feelings I didn't know how to express. This was were Coheed and Cambria came into the picture. Johan played me some of their songs and I immediately fell in love with their sound, lyrics and the entire concept of their music.

About six months ago it was announced that they would be playing in Copenhagen in February 2008. I bought tickets as soon as they were released and was like a child before Christmas. I counted months and was hyper about the idea of finally getting to see them live.

The concert was cancelled a couple of months before. That is they were going to be supporting Linkin Park on their tour of America and so they would postpone their European dates. The concert was moved to April 8th and even if it was a bit of a disappointment to have to wait even longer, it still meant that I'd get to see them live.

On Tuesday this week we were off to the concert. We were kind of early for the show and ended up queueing for around an hour. Suddenly it struck me that there was a risk that I would be the oldest person attending the concert except for the band members themselves. The place was infested by little emo-kids, who were drinking, smoking and trying to act totally rock n' roll. Luckily in the end more people my age turned up and the atmosphere of the concert was really cool. We got to be quite close to the stage without being moshed so after the support, who was Oceansize, had finished up all the butterflies started gathering in the pit of my stomach. I guess no matter how old I get, I'll always be somewhat starstruck. But as corny as it sounds they just mean a whole lot to me, not in the groupie; 'I'll love you forever and stalk you in the bushes'-way, but because somehow their music has helped me through some rough spots the last couple of years. I guess you can say it's been almost therapeutic. Gah, I sound like a real nut now, but I hope some of you know what I mean.

Anyway, after a rather long wait they finally took the stage and it was just an amazing experience. They were finally real and not just a CD on the stereo or a video on the Internet. It was an awesome show, where people completely let loose and had a great time. Sore, swollen feet from standing up for hours didn't matter all that much, because all that mattered was the fact that Coheed was there and they were playing for us. Even if there were small things that ended up being a little too much, like them spending the last 30 minutes of a two hour show doing solos, it's still one of the best experiences I've had in years. They really are an awesome band. I bet most of us have a band we listen to, who just represent a very important part of our lives and of our personalities. I know to a lot of people Coheed are an acquired taste, but then again maybe I am too?

The one about Earth Hour, good times and Satan...

• Currently hearing: Paramore 'All we know is Falling'


• Currently reading: 'Can you keep a secret?' by Sophie Kinsella


• Hours spent on phone with Leila: 2

Today was one of those lovely Saturdays where I just got to stay in and hang out. I only left the flat briefly to do some grocery shopping, but otherwise I vegetated and suffered a bit. See, today I turned into Satan a little bit. If you're a man, you won't understand what I mean. But if you're a woman you probably know what I mean. Every now and again - like once a month - we turn into Satan - just a little bit. We scold people for no reason, we hate ourselves and whoever is within our reach just a little bit and we tend to think that someone needs to pay for our misery. It's a bit of a challenge keeping up with me and my satanic tendencies on a day like this, but kudos to Johan for doing so.

I called Leila and we talked for a bit over two hours. It was really refreshing to just talk and talk about everything and nothing all at the same time. Leila's coming to visit in June and I am so excited about it! We're already planning all the stuff we want to do when she's down here. Now I just need the months to fly on by.

What with me being a little bit Satan today it was refreshing to get to do something good as well. We decided to join Earth Hour from 20:00 - 21:00 and turned off all our lights and sat around with candles lit for our dinner. It was actually quite nice, even if people are disagreeing whether or not it would make much of a difference. Nevertheless it felt like a good statement. So we did it and decided to take a little picture to document it. I look smug. And I was. Still am. But also Satan. So peace out fools. Turn off your lights or I'll come after you. v. scary.

Wales: March 17th - 22nd 2008

On March 17th we flew to Manchester to go see Katrine and Aled. We were totally excited, but a little worried as well, as the first thing we saw when we looked out the bedroom window was snow. Last time I flew was going back from Finland and guess what? ... it was in a snowstorm. So I was really worried on top of already being anxious about flying. But luckily we left Copenhagen a bit over an hour late and arrived safely in Manchester to be picked up by Katrine and Aled. We went back to their house, freshened up a bit and went out to a local pub for dinner and pints. It was St. Patrick's Day after all, so a few pints were obligatory.

On Tuesday we went to Chester with Katrine. We saw the Roman Gardens and the city wall of Chester and then did some shopping. We had lunch at a French restaurant which had really lovely food and we enjoyed that thoroughly. The shops were full of awesome things that called out to me and desperately wanted to be brought home. Unfortunately I had to keep a bit of an eye on how much I spent, but I still came home from our day in Chester with lots of great things such as a couple of books about Elvis Presley, lovely Marilyn cards, a scarf and various accessories.
We were picked up by Aled and went to get some KFC, which was great. I didn't eat much though as this was the night my mum called and told us that Sanchez had passed away the previous day. She wanted to wait to tell us until we were together, plus she knew I was kind of stressed out about flying, so she didn't want to add to the fire, so to speak. It was pretty rough, but I decided that I had to sort of push it away until I got back to Helsingborg. I don't get to see Katrine nearly enough, so every moment we have together should be spent enjoying it, rather than feeling down and sad.

On Wednesday, Aled's mum picked us up and took us for a drive around Llangollen, where Aled grew up. The scenery was absolutely amazing. Being used to Denmark and southern Sweden, which is as flat as a pancake it's almost surreal to look around and see mountains and valleys like those. We had an amazing afternoon with lots of wonderful impressions and tons of photographs to take home and enjoy. When we got back to Wrexham we picked up a curry dinner and watched a film at home. All the fresh air made us lazy and sleepy and just wanting a night in to relax.

On Thursday Katrine had to work, so Johan and me went out on our own little adventure discovering Wrexham and all it's little hidden secrets. In other words, we went shopping. I found an awesome shop called New Look, which had great clothes even for us of the pudgier sort. I found a Betty Boop pyjamas, which was just too cute and I of course had to have it. I bought more things, but can't at all think about what I got now. But I found lots of great things that I wouldn't have had a chance to find over here at all. So I was very happy.
We met up with K and Aled when they finished work and went to Tesco to do some grocery shopping. K made us each a huge plate of nachos with cheese, garlic cloves, artichokes and sun dried tomatoes and we stayed in a watched a film.

Friday K and Aled were off work, so we had a lie in, or as much of a lie in as Johan and me can master and then K did a fry up for us, which was gorgeous. We just sort of hung out and watched American Dad most of the day and then in the evening we went out for dinner and drinks at Frankie and Benny's, an American styled Italian restaurant. The food was gorgeous and we really had a great time. There was the more or less constant lump in my throat, which always forms when I know that I'm going home soon and will miss my sister so terribly. But I made it through the night without going all sob face.

We had to leave the house early Saturday morning. Our flight took off at 10:15 am, but we had to check in at 8 am and the drive to Manchester from Wrexham is a little hour, so we were up and ready to go by 7 am. As always it was a pain having to say goodbye, but that's just the way things are now and I suppose at some point I'll get used to it. I had an awesome week with so many good memories, and I'm just happy that I finally got to see where she lives and what her scenery is now. There's no doubt that she fits in where she is and that she is the happiest she can be there. And I'm just happy knowing that and having seen it with my own eyes. Guess it sort of puts me to rest a bit.

So I've had a wonderful week with my sister, brother-in-law and my fiance. There's been a few rough patches with Sanchez passing away and then returning home and finding that my little baby fish, Marilyn had been eaten by the other fish, but luckily the good outweighs the bad. I'm still sad about Sanchez, but I'm at the same time happy that I got to be with my sis. I needed that.

Goodnight sweetheart

My little Sanchez passed away on Monday the 17th of March 2008. He had a stroke and was put to rest by the vet. My mum was with him all along. I wish I had had a chance to say goodbye.

He will be missed

Tales from Wales will follow. Today I just can't bear it.

This is how we'll dance...

This is how we'll dance when,

When they try to take us down

This is how we'll sing it.

This is how we'll stand when

When they burn our houses down.

This is what will be oh glory.

I can't watch the news anymore. When the clock strikes upon the hour I switch off the radio. If I have to listen to one more complaint about Denmark and those goddamn, infamous drawings I will vomit. Last week several schools were burnt down all over Denmark. Last Saturday 185 fires were reported in a country with only 5 million inhabitants. That's a lot of fires. Especially since most of them were purposely started, not by your regular nut job pyromaniac, but by young people - kids - most of them being between the ages of 12-17. And why? Because some idiot made some drawings that were disrespectful and stupid and then decided to reprint them. With what purpose, I wonder? I don't care what his point was or still is, this has gone way beyond being a question of freedom of speech. It's come to the point were it's more about freedom of idiocy. And the people who react to the idiocy are just as bad. I'm sick of it.

Can I have freedom to be Danish? Or will I then go down in history as being one of the bad guys?

Even if I had 100 years left with you it wouldn't be enough

• Currently listening to: mixed things, but have been listening a lot to songs from New Found Glory's 'From the Screen to your Stereo'
• Currently reading: 'You don't love me yet' by Jonathan Lethem
• Kilometres ridden on exercise bike this week: 120 (yes, I know I'm badass)
• Days left of vacation: 1 (damn)

So my week off is almost coming to an end. It's been really nice with some time off to do basically nothing, but not lazing about as such either. I've gotten quite a lot of exercise done, which has been desperately needed and after only a week of intense workout I can already feel a change in my body, my stamina and my mood. So it's all good. I haven't really spent as much time feeding my creative hunger, but I guess you can't get all things done in one week. I'll have to save something to spend my summerholidays on.

I'm not going to complain about my week off almost being over, because in about a month it's Easter holidays and working for a month and then having another like 10 days off is a luxury I won't even rub in anyone's faces. So there'll be no complaining here. I promise.

One of the best things about being off work has been to spend time with Johan. We've had late mornings and late evenings, we've talked about nothing and everything, we've laughed at and with each other, we've bought each other little things and have taken each other out for lunch. It struck me suddenly that even if I had 100 years left with Johan it still wouldn't be enough for me. I can never get enough of him nor would it ever be possible for me to get to do all the things I want to do with him before we are no more. Enjoying, savouring and loving the days we have whether it'll be for the next 10, 40 or 80 years is all I can do. And I will.

Set me free before you press delete

• Kilometres ridden on exercise bike: 20 (80 since Sunday)
• Most exciting moment of the day: booking tickets to go to Wales to see my sis
• Days left of vacation: 4
• Plans for Valentine's Day: none, as it's commercial BS

Today was a really good day for me. I slept until 10AM, got my exercising done quite early and spent loads of time on the phone with my sister. Johan and me are going to Wales to visit K and Aled for Easter. We'll stay for 5 days and it's going to be so awesome! I'm über-excited as it's been ages since I went anywhere. I was in Finland in October 2006 to visit P, but since then I haven't been anywhere really. So I'm really looking forward to going somewhere new and exciting. But I'm mostly looking forward to getting to spend some quality time with my sister and just be our silly, lame, childish and humorous selves. How on earth am I going to live with myself for the next month?

I've been really good with the exercising lately. I've done 20 kilometres every day, which to some might sound pretty boring sitting around on a bike that doesn't move for over half an hour, but it's actually not bad. I've mixed a CD with upbeat music and then I just race on as if demons were chasing me. And I guess in a way demons are chasing me. For so many years I've been troubled by not being happy with myself and it's quite obviously not me as a person I dislike, but my physical state. I was born pudgy and will probably always be, but it's as if it's just gone to far for me now. We want to have a baby. But the way things are looking for me physically at the moment I wouldn't even dare to try and conceive. There's no way my body is strong enough for a pregnancy and according to new studies it's actually a bigger risk and more harmful for the child for an overweight woman to become pregnant, than for a woman to smoke all the way through her pregnancy. Scary, huh? I'm not going to risk anything, so I'm working my butt off (literally) so we can have our baby. Wouldn't you pedal like hell from that demon?

I finished reading 'P.S. I Love You'. It was a good read, but I'm not at all as touched and impressed as I was with the film. I had hoped it would have an even stronger impact on me than the film, but I kind of just finished the last page and started wondering which book I should go for for next. So all in all I think it's a good read and it does put a smile on one's face every now and again, but if it hadn't been because I saw Gerard Butler delivering all lines in my mind, I'm not sure I would have felt the same.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. A concept which has sneaked it's way over here, eventhough we didn't give a flying rat's arse about it just 5 years ago. Lots of people have embraced it as this one day a year where they get to be romantic and do something extraordinary for their loved one. For Johan and me that's what our every day life builds on. We don't need one day a year to remember we love each other - we have every day for that. So here with us Valentine's is boycottet. But to all who celebrate it, Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. May you feel loved.

Hello, my name is....

• Days off work left: 7
• Plans for week off: None, but I plan to read, paint and relax loads
• Currently listening to: Paramore 'Riot'
• Currently reading: 'P.S. I Love You'

I have a week off work. It's not a paid vacation, so before you start thinking how lucky I am, keep in mind that it also means I'll have a full week's pay missing on my next paycheck, which in all honesty doesn't suit the poor thing. It looks pretty famished as things are, but I guess I shouldn't complain. At least I'm off student loans and the likes.

I started my vacation off with a little bit of painting. I painted the little guy (pictured above) in acrylics on Friday and Saturday. Johan was in the cinema with friends on Friday and I spent my evening covered in paint and enjoying myself immensely. I'll see if I can get a bit more painting done during the week. I hardly ever have time for it.

It's been a while since my last blog. I've been really busy both with work, but also with Johan's birthday last weekend. We celebrated him in style with my parents, Johan's family and his grandparents. It was a really nice day and I think he was happy with it. My mum was a huge help to me, as I had planned all sorts of things and in the end I desperately needed extra hands. Mum stepped in and saved the day as always. I truly love my mum. Without her I'd be lost.

We lost one of our fish last week. Poor Moe died Monday night and it was quite sad actually. He'd been acting really odd for hours and would go all limp and just float around, but then suddenly he'd start speeding around the aquarium like all was normal - yet a little more speedy than normal. He was dead Tuesday morning when we got up, so we sent him off to spend eternity somewhere else. We've been treating the rest of the fish for some sort of parasidic decease and they seem to be doing quite well. Hope Moe didn't suffer too much, but it's hard to tell, isn't it? His death made us aware that we had to treat the other fish, so maybe he somehow saved them. Yes... I just gave him a purpose in life. All living (or dead) creatures should be entitled to one, don't you think?

Just when you feel like you're drowning...

• Kilometres cycled on exersise bike: 20 km
• Looking forward to: Johan's 24th birthday this Sunday
• Best moment of the day: coming home from work

Today when I got home from work Johan had left for his lecture. I entered the flat with this melancholic feeling I've been suffering from for the last week or so and wasn't at all expecting the surprise my darling Johan had made for me. In our kitchen was a basket with 10 red roses, a mixed selection of nuts (my fave kinds), Maltesers and a card. I instantly felt these waves of warmth showering over me and I just started to laugh and cry at the same time. A very odd reaction I know, but I am odd these days. He is such a thoughtful, caring, loving, supporting and gentle man, I can't even find the right words for it. I know I'm not always easy to live with what with all my weird moods and tendency to try and hide my oddness, but he doesn't seem to mind one bit. And what he did today just proves to me how well he knows me and how sometimes he truly is the only one, who can bring me back from my pitch-black, bottomless hole. I love you Johan, so much more than words can ever say. Just when I feel I'm drowning, you're always there to pull me back up, and always long before anyone else notices that something is off with me. I can't believe I found you. I owe someone big time!

The pidder padder....

• I wish I had time and energy for: drawing, making jewelry, painting, reading, listening to music, sleeping in, hanging out with my friends
• I'm in love with: the new pink iPod Nano
• Sick of: wanting things I can't have

The pidder padder of tiny feet in my brain. It's funny because I didn't think there was anything that could beat the impossible, unbearable noise of my biological clock ticking. But now I hear tiny footsteps too. I dream about babies, I think about babies, I read about babies and I watch programmes on TV about babies. And altogether I'm wondering if it's normal. I've always been high on the thought of becoming a mother, but suddenly it's striking me that I can't recall any of my friends obsessing like this about becoming mothers. Of course a lot of them actually are mothers by now, so they needn't really worry about missing their chance, but before they became pregnant - was it so important to them? Did they feel as if they'd die if they couldn't have a baby? Or is it just me, who's being paranoid? I know I'll probably ruin my own chances of ever becoming pregnant by worrying so much about it, but I guess my anxiety over it kind of gives away the importance it has in my life. 'Stop worrying - stop thinking so much about it'. Stop eating chocolate, stop taking your job so seriously, stop feeling inadequate, stop missing your family, stop longing for material goods, stop expecting so much from people, stop sacrificing time on something someone else should be taking care of, stop feeling, stop sharing, stop living. How much can you stop before it hurts too much?

Put me out of my misery....

• Current mood: emo
• Current feeling: self pity
• Number of fits of hysteria: lots .... emo-style

Put me out of my misery... Just do it now. On January 1st J and me stopped eating things with sugar and fat. A very positive decision, which of course is the best one we've made in ages. But I'm just going to mention the connection between women who feel sorry for themselves and chocolate. I know some find it a total exaggeration, but personally I can seriously save a day with one single M&M. Seriously. I am not kidding you. So deciding not to eat those things has been like taking antidepressants away from myself and no, I'm not trying to belittle or make fun of people who need antidepressants, but those who know me also know my relationship to chocolate. I had an easier time quitting smoking than this. I am a chocoholic and it's not even funny. I've been doing so well with it, but today I just hit rock bottom. So I ate Maltesers and even though I was sure I'd feel extremely guilty about it, I actually don't. If I hadn't had some chocolate, I would have lost my friggin mind. And in all fairness, I have gone almost a month without - and no I have not even cheated once. Pretty cool, huh? But yeah, I decided that it was okay today even if it was against the rules. I'll be back on my exercise bike tomorrow. Besides what's the point in trying to make life easier and lighter if you get sad and semi-depressed? You might as well let yourself have that one day a month where you can have something yummy.

On a happier note my book finally arrived! I started reading it the very same day it arrived and I'm really enjoying it. It's very different from the film, or I should probably say the film is very different from the book, but it's still an awesome read. I'd definitely recommend it to those who feel like reading something that touches you in oh so many ways.

I was reading the paper on my way to work this morning. The tragic death of Heath Ledger was brought up in a blog and it got me thinking. I whine a lot, but I have nothing troubling me like he must have had. When I first heard that he had taken his own life at the young age of 28 I was shocked, but at the same time there's this little annoyance at the pit of my stomach. Not because I'd in any way undermine his troubles and worries, but because he leaves someone behind who didn't deserve to lose her daddy at the age of 2. If misery comes in such scales that you'd leave your little girl behind and not fight your demons, I'm grateful for my insignificant, minuscule miseries.

Lazy Saturdays and sleepy Sundays...

• Hours spent in front of the computer: Way too many
• Hours spent cleaning: 0
• Days until winter break: 20

'Is she ever going to shut up about that film?', they all wondered as they saw that once again she had somehow sneaked P.S. I Love You in to her blog. It was like a record with a scratch or a story without an end. No matter how many days that had passed by since she saw it at the cinema, she still seemed to be totally obsessed with the film. She was like a child the day before Christmas while she waited for the book to arrive in the post. Although she had made a deal with herself that she wouldn't spend large amounts of money on herself anymore, she had agreed with herself that buying a book wasn't as wrong as buying even more shoes she was never going to wear more than once anyway. Besides, life without sugar and fattening goodies is one thing - but life without any material goodies either was pure torture. So she had decided that she could have this one treat and waiting for it was like waiting for a snowstorm in the scorching heat of July. Patience was not one of her strong points, but she tried her very best. And while she waited she desperately tried to maintain that fantastic feeling the film had left her with. It was like seeing the world through different eyes and seeing something so much more luminous, grand and desirable than before. It was like she had been reminded of something she had long forgotten: Her life was fantastic.

So, snapping back to reality. Today we've spent a lot of time on our computers and a lot of time trying to snap pictures of our fish. But it's impossible to get them to sit still and pose so therefore there aren't really many pics for me to show. J has some in his blog that you can go check out. I'll leave you for today with a picture of Baby, who has become my personal fave, even if I know it's wrong to favour. I can't help it, she's just so darn cute.

'Close your eyes and I'll kiss ya'

A new blog design and the arrival of Baby

• Current mood: Extremely tired
• Listening to: Paramore 'Riot' given to me by J
• Best moment of the day: Bringing home our six new fish

J has been a darling and designed a new look for my blog. I just thought I needed a bit of a change now, gets a little boring otherwise. Change is always a welcome thing as long as it brings better times with it, and I think with my current hunger for creativity and my need to write this is a good change.

We bought six new fish for our aquarium today. J took some pics, but what with my design demands and all they're not up yet. We bought two blackmoors, two orandas and two tiny catfish (?) - you know the slimy ones who clean the tank. Not all have been named yet, but one of the blackmoors is called Elvis and one of the orandas is called Baby. I instantly fell in love with Baby when I saw her (no idea what sex it is, but I decided that it's a girl) at the pet shop. Baby looks like a baby, seriously. I of course can't support this with photographic evidence yet, but take my word for it. Some might say she has the kind of face only a mother could love, but okay then - I'm her mother and I love Baby's tiny little face - even if J claims they look like they have a tumor! Pretty awesome that my first idea of never being able to care about fish has been shot to the ground. Because I actually really find Baby cuddly and I can't wait to see her tomorrow. I'm a weirdo yes, but you still like me, right?

The one about the bedbugs....

• Sin of the day: Pepsi Max
• Regret my sins? : No. It's sugar free, give me a break
• Current mood: Sleepy, exhausted and happy

I don't really have much to say today. Just figured I'd pop in before bedtime. I've been up a little too late again tonight and tomorrow is my long day with six lessons and then two hours meeting afterwards. I really need to be rested for Thursday or else I end up totally numb, dumb and useless during the meeting and that's really the one time a week where I have to be super constructive and on my marks. So I'm off to bed now to sleep tight and I doubt the bedbugs will bite, because I reckon they chose another bed to live in after they realised that I spin around like a kebab rotisserie all night long. Poor things.

P.S. I Love You

• Level of hyperactivity: on a scale from 1-10, I'm about 17


• Looking forward to: Receiving 'P.S. I Love You' from Play.com, Johan's birthday, possibly buying a new car, seeing my sister for Easter.


• Number of sinful thoughts of Pepsi Max: 252

Yesterday we went to the cinema. Johan had gotten us free tickets for a sneak preview of 'P.S. I Love You', which I had been über-excited about seeing for a good while. The film is based on the book with the same title, written by Cecilia Ahern. I'm not going to be a spoilsport and give away the story, but I will say as much as it's one of those films which deeply surprised me. Not as in I wasn't expecting that it would be as brilliant as it turned out to be, but to me it was so... life defining.

The film deals with a very big issue that has popped up in my mind and showed it's nasty face quite a lot recently. The fear of losing the one you love. Not to someone else or because he just wants to leave - but to an illness. Suddenly going from having a perfectly 'normal' life with lots of plans for the future, to burying the one you were truly meant to be with for the rest of your life. Having found that very special someone, who matches you and mismatches you in all the right places and then losing him after only having had him for such a short while. I can't begin to imagine anything worse than that.

Having said that the film did something completely different for me. It made me fall in love with my life. I am so thankful for the life I have, for the people who are a part of my life and for the choices I have made for myself. People often say 'Life is so short, live while you have the chance' and even though it's such a cliche, I absolutely feel like that right now. It's true we can't just carelessly rummage around and never think about what we do, but we need to take the time to enjoy what we have - while we have it. Beautiful things last a lifetime, but a lifetime can pass you by before you even realised it had begun. Worrying about money, your love life, the mortgage, your job, how many wrinkles you have and whether or not your boobs are travelling southwards, just becomes so unimportant when thinking about the fact that we only have this one chance at life. I'm not a religious person so to me the whole idea of heaven and hell or life after death is kind of a big blur, but the life I have in front of me right now - that's my heaven, my hell - my one chance. Make no mistakes? Not at all, make as many as it takes for you to make it right. Feel the wind in your hair, cry all the tears that would have been dried up, dance in the rain and tell your loved ones how much you cherish them. Take that extra five minutes every day to just breathe and tell yourself that your life rocks more than your neighbour's. Regret nothing, but if you do make things right again. Don't wait with reconciliations. Swallow your pride for the moment and do what feels right. Love you life, cherish your time and never let go of that which makes you feel complete.

I am in love

Death of the Butterfly Queen

• Currently hearing: Backstreet Boys "Unbreakable"


• Currently feeling: Creative


• Currently enjoying: A can of Pepsi Max, which tastes a bit like heaven

In the White Forest there was a cry so loud that time stood still. Everything beautiful slowly withered away as all things living started to die. Rabbits lost their hop, birds forgot how to fly, fish no longer swam, deer hung their heads in sorrow. Lilies turned black as the night, trees shed their leaves, which covered the ground thickly and turned to dust. The agonising pain brought forward by the cry of the butterflies pierced through the forest and forced all bliss and serenity into oblivion. The Butterfly Queen had died. She lay softly in the thick dust from the leaves and breathed no more. Her elegance remained even in the deepest sleep of all, but her glow lifted from her lifeless body and travelled upwards towards the skies. For a while it hung over the forest as a cloud before it splintered into rays of moonlight that covered the skies and spread the message to all: The Butterfly Queen had died. No longer would her kindness be bestowed on all life in the forest, no longer would her beauty be admired. Next to her eternally sleeping body a man knelt with his face buried in his hands. The cry of the butterflies burnt his heart and the agony was unbearable.

"Never touch my wings", she had said. "If you touch my wings, I will cease to exist and with the end of my existence follows the end of the White Forest".

He had promised never to touch her wings. He had promised to love and cherish her, admire and desire her - but to never touch her wings. In the very farthest corner of his heart a desire had risen. A desire for her wings, a desire to test that which had been proclaimed wrong. If it was wrong, why did it feel so right? He had fought the desire every waking moment, but on this very day the desire had been too strong. She gave him kisses as soft as velvet, as she stroked his cheek and spoke words like the sweetest melody. Her eyes shone like emeralds twinkling in the deepest green colour he had ever seen. Her skin was white like porcelain and so soft to the touch his fingertips could never cease to gently touch her. In one single heartbeat, one second of the deepest desire, he had reached out his hand and with a finger stroked her wing. One touch - what harm could it do? The feeling was immense. He felt life run through him as he had never felt it before. The birds sang more lovely than ever, the wind gently blew through the leaves on the trees and caressed his skin, her eyes were more green than ever. If time would have stopped at that very moment he would have felt more joy and serenity than any man had ever felt. But time did not stop at that very moment. He was torn back to reality as she grabbed his wrist and pushed him away from her. There was a look of horror and utter disbelief on her face.

"Why?", she asked. "Why would you do this? You have killed me".

Confusion painted his face the colour white. No answer passed his lips as a tear streamed down his grey cheek. He watched as she sank to the ground and took her last, sweet breath. Sorrow struck him harder than the blow of a bullet. He watched all things around him die to the tuneless, sorrow filled cry of the butterflies, who all fell limp to the ground and were drained of all colour and life. Their soft wings turned to dust as they cried in mourning. The white forest died before his eyes. He fell to his knees, tightly held her cold hand and kissed her gently on the forehead. What would become of him?

And then there was nothing. He desperately tried to collect his thoughts as he struggled to find something - anything. But there was nothing. The White Forest had ceased to exist. The Butterfly Queen was dead and she had taken everything with her. Everything but him. He touched nothing, he saw nothing, he felt nothing, he inhaled nothing and screamed harder than he had ever screamed. But nothing came out. And in the middle of his self inflicted nothingness he lay down and closed his eyes to dream of her.

Friday, oh friday

• Currently listening to: Paramore
• Number of sinful thoughts of chocolate and Pepsi Max: 2376
• Pieces of chocolate eaten and glasses of Pepsi Max drunk: 0 (yes!)
• Numbers of kilos lost: 2

On Wednesday our little household grew a little. We bought two goldfish. We ( or I ) decided that they are to be called Moe and Paulie. Mostly because one of them swims around and looks as if he saying 'Moe... Moe.... Moe...' all the time. Might be his way of breathing - but looks more like he's saying 'Moe', so Moe he is. And Paulie just goes naturally with Moe so there. I've absolutely no idea if they're male or female, but who cares? They're fish, it's not like require non-unisex loos.
We can't have feathered or furry pets because Johan is allergic and I refuse to have reptiles because they're depressingly ugly and also kind of gross - well snakes are anyway. But fish was something we could both imagine having. In my opinion they are more decorative than pet-like as such, but they're quite funny actually. We'll buy more once we're sure the aquarium is at it's perfect levels and it's a good environment for the fish. Poor Moe and Paulie are test fish. But they seem to enjoy themselves in their own little fishy ways, so there have been no complaints on their behalf yet.

It's nice that the weekend is here. I've been really lousy at getting to bed at a decent hour the last week and so I feel a bit like I'm deprived of sleep. I'm probably not at all, but I need an excuse for sleeping in really late tomorrow. I guess I don't really need an excuse as such, it should be my right to sleep in on Saturdays. Especially since I need lots of rest to be in good spirits for work. I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone that teaching isn't always the most calm and serene situation to be in for 4-7 hours a day. It's stressful no doubt about it, but it's also quite draining to have to grant full attention to between 22 and 40 pupils every day. I love my job truly and deeply though and wouldn't trade it for any other job in the world. Let's call it my 'calling'. I get to push a bunch of children in a direction, watch them grow as they learn and I get to make a huge impact on their lives. It's awesome - even if very emotionally challenging at times. In about 1½ year I'll be sending them on to new teachers and I'll become 'that teacher we had in 2nd and 3rd grade'. But I'll always remember them. Not just because they were the first class I got after graduating, but because they are inspirational. They were out of control and had been so terribly neglected in most subjects last year and now five months after I met them the first time they're on the right track. Awesome kids. Awesome job. Awesome!

Twinkle, twinkle little star...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder what you are.

Up above the world so high,

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder what you are....

"Before you were born, you were a star in the sky" - my mother

Happy New Year to all!