Just a quick post to say that I won't be online for a few days. We're heading off to Helsingborg to sort some practical stuff and so I can get to work faster on Monday. We'll stay at my in-laws' cottage where surfing the Internet isn't an option, so I won't be able to post blogs. But I'll be back next week with lots of news and exciting stories... *cough*. Maybe not, but I'll be back anyway.
Okay, so is it just me or is this little guy pictured above just dying to move in with me? I was in an 'aw'-mood. He fitted perfectly.
So much seems to have happened over the last 24 hours. I've gotten used to so little happening and now I have this new found meaning, all these reasons to do practical things I've only been able to imagine the joy of doing. Everything from reading through plans of action of the school to figuring out retirement funds and so. It's a lot of work and I love every second of it, because it means that I am where I wanted to be. I've felt all choked up over not reaching my hopes and goals for myself, but now I'm here where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. I've made a lot of people proud and most of all I have made myself very proud. I logged on to check the school's website today and to see my own name in the list of teachers of the school... Phew, what a moment. I'm really, really proud of myself. I've doubted myself too much lately and there was absolutely no need to do so. I'm good at what I do and I have so much potential to be even better. How exciting is this?
We went to the cinema today to see 'Zodiac'. It was a really good movie and although it was 2 hours and 37 minutes long, it actually didn't feel like it was that long. It made me think a lot about how privileged I am having grown up in such a safe country. Last night we watched 'Bowling for Columbine' and after watching it I sat for a while and just contemplated the idea of growing up around guns, violence and fear the way many Americans seem to do. I'm from a country where we over a 15 year period had 744 murders. I know we're a small country with far less inhabitants, but still it's quite a difference. I remember when I first arrived in Dublin, my host mother and her mother were horrified to hear that I walked home alone from the nightlink instead of taking a taxi, as they knew how much violence Dublin was plagued by. Personally I didn't know and in my naive youth, having grown up in Århus where I could walk where I wanted when I wanted, it didn't come to mind I could be in any danger. Some would probably mistake that innocence and naivety as stupidity, but I think many Danes have a very relaxed and trustworthy outlook on life. I wasn't taught to be scared. I was taught to be careful at all times, but never to be scared. And up until I was about 23 I wasn't really afraid of anything happening to me when I was out and about having a laugh. But I've become more aware of the fact that the world is changing and we can't always be safe. But a part of me truly refuses to live in fear, I'd rather use my head than let fear get the best of me.
When we arrived home tonight the people living downstairs were having a party. A funny thought came to mind: Thank f*** it's not me. Growing up is a funny thing. I still enjoy seeing my friends, but my 'party-gene' is gone. I couldn't be bothered even if I had to. No, I'm more into the small things now, like the garden party we're having in a few weeks. It'll be awesome!
I'll leave you with this guy:
Chewing your food too many times becomes tiresome
You know that feeling when you've swallowed something too fast and it kinda sticks in your throat, right? It's like you can't get it to go down and slowly you start to panic. What if it gets stuck? What if you choke? Panic rises and somehow you start to make it worse for yourself. By panicking you somehow completely brake the object on it's way down. That's in a mild form how I have been feeling for the last couple of months in relation to my job hunt. I have wanted a job so badly, but not just any job. I have been searching for one where I felt I could get to use my full potential and still be challenged so much that I would persist in learning new and exciting things. Well the good news is that the object stuck in my throat finally went down and I now have a job! I was at an interview yesterday and they called me today and welcomed me aboard. I was so happy I shed some good old tears. The relief has been so massive that in a way I still don't quite get it. My body has gotten used to panic somehow and it'll be such a positive and productive change for me to finally get to do what I've wanted to do so long.
Want a real feel-good-song? You know, the kind that makes you feel empowered, on top after a falling out with someone or just in my case the feeling of having been cut some slack by life. I think I took my beating for now and I celebrate that with this song:
I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb
In one single, breathless second everything changes from calm seas to violent storms. Waves of madness and sorrow throw themselves over her and though she fights there is no savior. She is powerless in the dark, unable to inhale anything but the sickeningly thick air of the deep. As black clouds of poison invade her lungs, she tries to convince herself that no harm will come to her. Her mind fills with thoughts of white summer flowers, rays of sunshine licking her body leaving such heartbreaking warmth, those hazel eyes telling stories of love and eternity. Her throat aches as if red string was tightly tied around her neck and slowly tightened. Though darkness has it's firm grip there is a tiny grain of light within the girl. It breaks through the darkness, splinters it's surface with rays of white light, glittering like stars in the darkest night. Save the searchlights, call back the knights, angels and Gods, the waves are retreating. They want nothing of her, but the scent of her fear and the failed attempt at blowing out her light....
Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets
Watching one of those 'Top people of Hollywood and their weddings, weirdness and totally unrealistic wants and goals'-programmes it struck me how many women I find myself saying 'Wow, she's not looking her best, is she?' Naturally I write most of that attitude off as me just being a jealous, pudgy being, but to me it really seems as if sex appeal has stepped into a totally different dimension. In general it seems as if the more artificial and plastic a person looks, the more appealing they become in the media. And the less clothes they wear, the higher the appeal. What we have earlier found artistically beautiful, such as the human body in the nude, has turned into a status symbol. The harder the buttock the more appeal. And it's really a shame that we are so focused all the time on becoming alike. I've been involved in several discussions concerning whether or not I'd want to be like the people we see in the magazines and on billboards. I often wonder if the people who start these discussions have any idea how the people in magazines and on billboards look before Mr Retouch comes along.
Whatever happened to natural beauty? Can we safely conclude that it's hit the road and probably won't be back sometime soon? I love Dove for doing this campaign though, it's been very refreshing for someone, who doesn't have the service of Mr Retouch at hand every time she's set to leave the house. If sex appeal is all about covering up yourself and the features your parents' genes mixed for you, then I don't think I want any.
And according to a Blogthings quiz I am:
| You Are 55% Sexy |
 Your Sex Appeal Is: High You're quite sexy, and you're probably at least partially aware of your powers. Don't let your self doubt ever get the best of you. You're even more attractive than you know. |
Today is my Dad's 54th birthday! So happy birthday Dad. I spoke to him earlier and he seemed to be in great form. Johan and I gave him a CD and some socks - such a 'dad-present'. But he enjoyed it so that was awesome.
I don't know if it's a mix between staying up late - which leads to sleeping in till around noon most days - and my panic attacks, but I am just extremely exhausted these days. Nothing much happens really, so I have a lot of free time on my hands to just let my thoughts wander. Basically I think about everything from 'there's dust on our shelves' to 'what's the meaning of life', but when I sit down and want to write about it, all thoughts scatter like rats from light. It's funny how I can be so unfocused one second, very concentrated the next and then totally distrait and unfocused again. Suppose it's all just because these times are as random as they are for me. Everything is sort of at an arm's length and when thinking of the things I need and want to do, I always have to wait a bit. I'm in a waiting position and it's turning me into this unfocused, panic attack stricken monster. But to turn the negatives into positives it's at least a lesson in patience for me, something I can also lack quite a bit sometimes. Not so much when it's about other people, but when it's about me and things I want for myself I can be totally impatient.
Today I wanted to write something funny, inspiring and interesting, but I guess the creativity can't stretch to all days. Besides it's better to write something than nothing at all, right?
“It's all make believe, isn't it?”
Sometimes you make plans to do something and then something as lame as the weather can result in you changing your mind. So in stead of staying at my in-laws' house for the weekend, we decided to stay in Lund and just vegetate. It's been raining a whole lot and our motive for going to Helsingborg was originally to enjoy the luxury of the garden with pool. Not as much fun in the pouring rain and during thunderstorms, but I suppose it depends on the stakes. Wearing an antenna-hat might have made it a tad bit more exciting. And then only a bit.
Do we count our lucky stars often enough? Or do we tend to take what some would call 'the blessings' in our lives for granted? It's as if we sometimes need to remind ourselves to be thankful for what we have, whether it's our family, our friends, our lovers, our health - both physical and mental, our jobs, etc. We live in a day and age where we're in constant need of making choices for ourselves to achieve 'happiness', and to select the appropriate cornerstones to build a future that in the end will result in a life we look back upon with pride. There are elements of this build that hold the construction up with no strain. To me that's Johan. Sometimes it feels like my life construction is about to come tumbling down, but there he is holding up the entire thing without blinking and without asking questions or demanding explanations. He unconditionally saves my butt without complaining or demanding refunds. He is by far the most unselfish person I know. Imagine always knowing that no matter how badly you screw up or how black a hole you're in, there's always this wonderful person with you carrying a torch and lighting your way, never leaving you alone in the dark. And all of this he does out of love; pure, red glowing love. Not because he wants something of you or expects you to be something you're not, but because he loves you so much that to him there's no questioning his constant support. I will never be able to count the massive amount of lucky stars I was given, when Johan came into my life....
I joined a site called BlogExplosion recently to try and see if I could find a way to lure more readers to my site. Granted, this blog is mostly for me as I use it to get rid of a bunch of thoughts and experiences that I don't feel like bottling up. I've spent a good portion of my years on this Godforsaken planet hiding my feelings, labelling them as silly, unreasonable, dramatic. And in therapy, which I naturally ended up in as a result of my refusal to open my treasure chest of self-labelled horror, I learnt that writing was my way out of black holes. I was taught to write letters to myself and people who I needed to confront and in the end I figured that I might as well try out blogging. And by golly what an excellent decision it was, because it actually has extremely relevant therapeutic effects on me. I write myself out of my black holes and at the same time I get to feel like I share a little bit of myself with the world. Some people say 'Why would I share my personal life with others?' and I understand them perfectly, but to me it's not like sharing my private life at all. Very far from it actually. I feel like I provide both family and friends with insight into my at times rather complex mood and behaviour, while I provide total strangers with entertainment of some sort. I admit that I like the fact that somehow by writing these blogs I'll be heard. I have no hidden messages for anyone and if there are people reading my blogs looking for little hints aimed at them, they're searching in vain. I write for me and not to lash out at anyone. I write what I feel like sharing with the world and to constantly develop my creative writing, to stop myself from hiding emotions, but instead channel them out not necessarily in their direct meaning, but metaphorically. Blogging is my therapy and I use it for me and me alone.
One of the interesting things about BlogExplosion is that others can review your blogs. Someone known as '80760' wrote this about my blog:
Very interesting Danish woman confronts her life head on. Great words, thought provoking images, and decent writing. Not the flashiest of blogs, but a solid and worthwhile read, nonetheless.
If 80760 reads this, thank you so much for taking an interest in my blog and for spending time giving me good constructive criticism as well as good advice. It is much appreciated!
Today I spent the majority of my waking hours in a car going around Sjælland (that's Sealand -the part of Denmark where you'd find Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark - to those who aren't familiar with Danish geography). I had some business to take care of and then we needed to check out the areas where we're applying for flats. We found some really nice neighbourhoods so fingers crossed that we'll get something soon-ish. We're both really excited about moving to Denmark and in a way it has really eased a burden off my shoulders. I like Sweden, I really do, but there are just things I'm not willing to adjust to since I've grown up a spoilt Dane with too many privileges. Why is it that it's not until we leave home that we wake up to all the beauties of our homecountry? Do we tend to idealize these things and blind ourselves to the fact that they may not be so idealistic at all? I'm not sure, but I actually more than ever feel that Denmark is the best country in the world and that it is a privilege to be a Danish citizen. True, there are moments when being a Dane loses it's golden shimmer, like when some hotheads decide to make drawings that are inappropriate and when politicians make stupid comments that make the entire nation look stupid, but in general being Danish is something I am very proud of. I love our welfare system, our care for the elderly, our care for students, our healthcare system, where you don't have to pay to be examined, our schoolsystem, our democracy and the Danish ability to 'hygge' - a word that cannot be translated into English but in it's very rough meaning is about making yourself feel 'cosy'. Yes, see how awkward that translation just became? Much like the Irish's 'craic'. The word 'fun' just doesn't suffice, but it's something in that direction. Am I sidetracking? Yes.
It's 1am now and it's been a really long day for me. I'm a big emotional bowl of mashed and mixed experiences lacking it's secret spice. My creativity fell asleep somewhere between Copenhagen and Helsingør and I may possibly have forgotten it out in the car. Let's leave it to rest for the night. That way it'll be rested and ready for more escapades tomorrow.
