... suddenly Christmas sneaks up on you

It's been ages since I last wrote a blog. Only reason I have time now is because I've been home sick from work for a week. It's quite ironic that I got the flu-shot as to prevent myself from needing longer periods of time off work due to illness and then my body decides to get pneumonia - and not just with one infected lung, but two. I'm stocking up on my vitamin C by eating kiwis and I should be back to work tomorrow, which is awesome. Can't stand my own company much longer.

Suddenly Christmas came sneaking. Not that I didn't see it coming. The stores have 'only' been decorated and ready with Christmas ornaments since - well - September? October? But still it amazes me how time flies. It's almost 2008 already. Huge changes have occured for me in 2007 and all very welcome changes. 2008 will be just as grand for me, so am really in good spirits. Everything is so calm and relaxed about my life now. No drama, no worries, no anxiety. It's as if all the cleaning up I did in my life is finally paying off and I'm really happy and content. Being content isn't a God given. In my opinion nothing is, but let's leave religion out of this one. Being content is something you obtain by working hard for it, by going through struggles and crisises that no one except you can work your way through. And going through it bitching, blameshooting and whining just doesn't make any sense. Who can change your fortunes except yourself? Everything we do, any action, starts with ourselves.

In 16 days (not that I'm counting) Johan and me are off to Århus for Christmas. It'll be our first Christmas together. My sister and her boyfriend will be home from Wales as well, so the troop will be complete. It's going to be so awesome, I can't even describe it. I haven't seen my sister since July so it'll be great to catch up and be our usual silly selves. Just being with my family is something I'm looking forward to. Moving away from them has been damn hard for me, but there is no doubt in my mind that it's been the best choice I've ever made for myself. Sometimes we need distance to realise how well off we are. Everything needs to be put into perspective and only then are we able to truly appriciate everything we have. And for me that is what Christmas is all about. Being thankful for my family and friends and showing them my appriciation.

Suddenly Christmas sneaks up on you and showers you with sentimental waves. At least it ain't the Christmas Blues this year, but a tiny core of happiness glowing in my stomach like a candle in the dark.

You are the silver lining...

Rest silently on my shoulder my dear, hang your worries to dry.

Pearls of tears around your neck my love, valuable to some - invaluable to me.

Cast one look towards the sky little one, the sun will not set on you yet.

Find meaning in every breath my sweet, don't close your eyes to the world.

Not yet. Not now. Not ever.

You are the silver lining

No World for Tomorrow

So draw little piggy, better watch out for number one

(I'm feeling there's a bad wind blowing through there)

You better pull up the shutters because Lord knows now I ain't stomping through the woods, it's alive.

Little darling, don't you creep out that fucking runt

(It's best that you don't go walking through there)

Now please, don't bother knocking because God knows I ain't now stopping until you breathe, no more.

Excitement.Anticipation.Relief.Passion.

Thank you, Claudio.

The one about the phone...

I bought this gorgeous thing yesterday and it is BEAUTIFUL! Also, it doesn't work. Well technically it works, but apparently it'll take the phone company 10(!!!) days to transfer my number and until then I'm not even offered a temporary number. I'm very unimpressed. And annoyed. And unimpressed. I love the phone though. It's gorgeous even if totally unusable.

I've heard from several friends now, who were scared that I'd closed down the blog due to my last entry. Not at all! I just don't have time to write as often, so I wanted to just let you know that at the moment I'm kinda closed down for business, but I'll write a bit ever so often. So no worries, you're not rid of me yet ;)

Have a lovely Sunday!

Small lifesigns also count...

One day I'll be back

One day you'll see,

That even though I'm not around

You're always with me

Rock on, Rockers

Holiday - Celebrate!

Currently hearing: Mostly DAB radio

Funniest moment of the week: Seeing K's face on pictures from a roller coaster in Djurs Sommerland

Plan for the following week: Packing, packing and packing

Back from Århus, feeling relaxed and excited at the same time, I feel that I should write a blog. Johan and me had an awesome week, starting with a small gathering of a bunch of Katrine's and my friends. It was nice to see everybody and awesome to just enjoy a few drinks and good conversation.

We had lots of fun during the week, but I think the most entertaining moments were in Djurs Sommerland, an amusement park about 30 minutes from my parents' place. Personally I am a wuss and therefore didn't go up in any of the rides, but my sister, Aled and Johan all enjoyed themselves. The picture above is priceless in my opinion.

Now that we're back in Lund we have a lot of practical stuff to sort out. We have to start packing, which Johan actually already started this afternoon, while I decided to fall asleep on the sofa. I wasn't the biggest help, but we have about 10 days to pack our stuff and then in principle a whole month after that, only I'll have started work so won't have so much time to help out. So it's best if we just get our stuff packed now and then we won't have to think about it anymore.

I'm really excited about moving. We've bought new furniture, lots of new things for the flat, I'll be getting all my old stuff over and finally it'll feel like I really belong. I received my social security number the other day and so I now officially belong here legally, but I still need my stuff to make the perfect home. But there's no doubt that the flat will be my perfect home. I feel that every time I walk through the door.. or at least I have all of the TWO times I have been to the flat. But I really think that means something, something important. When you can walk through the door of a flat and regardless of the fact that it is empty of furniture, it just feels like your home, it must be, right? The place is perfect in every sense and we will be so happy there for many years to come. I see Christmas celebrations there with our families, I see at least our first child there... Lots of good things to come for us and I couldn't be happier. I have a couple of weeks vacation left and I am going to celebrate. I'm going to celebrate that my life is beautiful, because I work hard for it. I have the best friends, the best family and the most amazing fiance. Now that's worth celebrating!

I'm never far away from you...

• Currently hearing: Gene Kelly and Olivia Newton-John 'Whenever you're away from me'
• Currently reading: am finishing Donald Spoto's biography about Marilyn Monroe
• Best bit of this week: having Basse here, even if he insists upon waking us at 5am-6am

It's been a while since I wrote a blog. The last week has just been crazy busy. Firstly there's been all the practical stuff concerning us moving in about 20 days. There's been some paperwork naturally since I've had to officially move from Denmark to Sweden and that's not something you just do. There's taxes to deal with among other things, since I own a flat in Århus and because I'll be working in Denmark. And there's a lot of practical stuff to sort out concerning the job as well. So basically we've been ringing, emailing and visiting places for the last week to get it all settled before we're off to Århus tomorrow. On Saturday we're picking K and Aled up at the airport and then in the evening it's party-time. Looking forward to it!

Since Saturday little Basse has been staying with us. My parents came to visit us on their way to Bornholm and left Basse with us for the week. It's been great having him here, but it's very obviously difficult to entertain a dog in a tiny flat. So we've been out a lot, walking for ages, swimming in the lake with him, walking in the forest... lots of things. I think he's really enjoyed it. So much that he's found it necessary to wake us somewhere between 5 and 7 am every morning. Gotta love him though and it's been really lovely getting into a rhythm where we get up early, get something out of the day and then go to bed earlier for a good night's rest. So we're quite happy with Basse for waking us early.

Finally after Johan and me have been together for like almost 2 years our parents met on Saturday. We had been quite nervous that they would have trouble understanding each other and so, but it all just went so perfectly and they got along awesomely. Was such a relief that they had fun together and were all interested in meeting up again soon. Hopefully my parents will be able to come over around the time where we move so they can all get to know each other better. It's nice to know that all the in-laws get along, they will after all be stuck with each other forever now, haha.

Today we're going to Helsingborg to see our flat again. We called the girl who rented it before us and asked if she would come let us in, so we could take some photos and do some measuring. She's a really cool girl and it was no problem for her to do so at all. So I'm really looking forward to seeing the place again, now knowing that it'll be my home.

The next week or so we'll be in Århus, so there probably won't be much blogging there either. In general I will be far more busy and have less time to be online from now on really. But just remember:

Whenever you're away from me

Wherever you go

You're never far away from me

I want you to know

I only have to close my eyes dear

And suddenly I'm where you are

You better never stray

'Cos I'll never be far away

Knocking on the door of happiness...

Currently hearing: Prospective Pussy Cat Dolls members screeching like dying cats

Current mood: On a scale from 1-10 where 1 is bad and 10 is awesome, I'm 28

Looking forward to: Mum and dad coming, taking care of Basse, seeing K, garden party, moving, starting work.. SO many things!

At some point rough seas and desperate storms must come to a rest. Life provides you with a key to your own happiness and salvation. Having struggled for a while, treading waters until the last breath, I finally have solid ground under my feet. Life provided me with the key to open doors I probably wouldn't have opened, if I hadn't been in such deep waters and needed a way out before I drowned. My fiance, my job and my new flat are all the most precious gifts to me, gifts I have received in return for trusting the doors life has led me to. In dark hours where desperate emotions create an inner chaos, it's very close to impossible to trust life, at least for me. But once again the key I was given, was the key that unlocked a door leading me to my future - a future I dreamt of.

Life is beautiful these days. I turn everywhere and see beauty, but none greater than her.

I feel like apologising to her on behalf of all the awful, rotten and dishonest people, who took part of her life. If the world hadn't been so set on taking advantage of her, she might still have been here today. In about a month it will be 45 years since Sweet Norma Jean passed away. Remember to light a candle for her, I know I will.

I wish life had provided you with a key

Wind beneath my wings...

Just a quick post to say that I won't be online for a few days. We're heading off to Helsingborg to sort some practical stuff and so I can get to work faster on Monday. We'll stay at my in-laws' cottage where surfing the Internet isn't an option, so I won't be able to post blogs. But I'll be back next week with lots of news and exciting stories... *cough*. Maybe not, but I'll be back anyway.

Have a great weekend, dear readers!

Breathing is beautiful...

Currently hearing: All sorts of summer music

Best experience of the day: Seeing 'Zodiac' in the cinema

Currently feeling: Excited, thankful, content, proud

Okay, so is it just me or is this little guy pictured above just dying to move in with me? I was in an 'aw'-mood. He fitted perfectly.

So much seems to have happened over the last 24 hours. I've gotten used to so little happening and now I have this new found meaning, all these reasons to do practical things I've only been able to imagine the joy of doing. Everything from reading through plans of action of the school to figuring out retirement funds and so. It's a lot of work and I love every second of it, because it means that I am where I wanted to be. I've felt all choked up over not reaching my hopes and goals for myself, but now I'm here where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. I've made a lot of people proud and most of all I have made myself very proud. I logged on to check the school's website today and to see my own name in the list of teachers of the school... Phew, what a moment. I'm really, really proud of myself. I've doubted myself too much lately and there was absolutely no need to do so. I'm good at what I do and I have so much potential to be even better. How exciting is this?

We went to the cinema today to see 'Zodiac'. It was a really good movie and although it was 2 hours and 37 minutes long, it actually didn't feel like it was that long. It made me think a lot about how privileged I am having grown up in such a safe country. Last night we watched 'Bowling for Columbine' and after watching it I sat for a while and just contemplated the idea of growing up around guns, violence and fear the way many Americans seem to do. I'm from a country where we over a 15 year period had 744 murders. I know we're a small country with far less inhabitants, but still it's quite a difference. I remember when I first arrived in Dublin, my host mother and her mother were horrified to hear that I walked home alone from the nightlink instead of taking a taxi, as they knew how much violence Dublin was plagued by. Personally I didn't know and in my naive youth, having grown up in Århus where I could walk where I wanted when I wanted, it didn't come to mind I could be in any danger. Some would probably mistake that innocence and naivety as stupidity, but I think many Danes have a very relaxed and trustworthy outlook on life. I wasn't taught to be scared. I was taught to be careful at all times, but never to be scared. And up until I was about 23 I wasn't really afraid of anything happening to me when I was out and about having a laugh. But I've become more aware of the fact that the world is changing and we can't always be safe. But a part of me truly refuses to live in fear, I'd rather use my head than let fear get the best of me.

When we arrived home tonight the people living downstairs were having a party. A funny thought came to mind: Thank f*** it's not me. Growing up is a funny thing. I still enjoy seeing my friends, but my 'party-gene' is gone. I couldn't be bothered even if I had to. No, I'm more into the small things now, like the garden party we're having in a few weeks. It'll be awesome!

I'll leave you with this guy:

Chewing your food too many times becomes tiresome

When the slack is cut...

Currently hearing: Kelly Clarkson 'Never Again' & P!nk 'Numb'

Currently feeling: Stuffed, relieved and awesome

Number of major reliefs today: Three

You know that feeling when you've swallowed something too fast and it kinda sticks in your throat, right? It's like you can't get it to go down and slowly you start to panic. What if it gets stuck? What if you choke? Panic rises and somehow you start to make it worse for yourself. By panicking you somehow completely brake the object on it's way down. That's in a mild form how I have been feeling for the last couple of months in relation to my job hunt. I have wanted a job so badly, but not just any job. I have been searching for one where I felt I could get to use my full potential and still be challenged so much that I would persist in learning new and exciting things. Well the good news is that the object stuck in my throat finally went down and I now have a job! I was at an interview yesterday and they called me today and welcomed me aboard. I was so happy I shed some good old tears. The relief has been so massive that in a way I still don't quite get it. My body has gotten used to panic somehow and it'll be such a positive and productive change for me to finally get to do what I've wanted to do so long.

Want a real feel-good-song? You know, the kind that makes you feel empowered, on top after a falling out with someone or just in my case the feeling of having been cut some slack by life. I think I took my beating for now and I celebrate that with this song:

I was weak before now you made me so numb

I can't feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby

I'm numb, numb, numb

I leave it to your imagination...

Currently hearing: Pink 'Catch me while I'm sleeping'

Biggest annoyance of the day: Being thrown off the Internet all the time

Biggest craving: Cocio! (damned lactose intolerance)

In one single, breathless second everything changes from calm seas to violent storms. Waves of madness and sorrow throw themselves over her and though she fights there is no savior. She is powerless in the dark, unable to inhale anything but the sickeningly thick air of the deep. As black clouds of poison invade her lungs, she tries to convince herself that no harm will come to her. Her mind fills with thoughts of white summer flowers, rays of sunshine licking her body leaving such heartbreaking warmth, those hazel eyes telling stories of love and eternity. Her throat aches as if red string was tightly tied around her neck and slowly tightened. Though darkness has it's firm grip there is a tiny grain of light within the girl. It breaks through the darkness, splinters it's surface with rays of white light, glittering like stars in the darkest night. Save the searchlights, call back the knights, angels and Gods, the waves are retreating. They want nothing of her, but the scent of her fear and the failed attempt at blowing out her light....

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets

The one about sex appeal...

• Currently hearing: 30 Seconds to Mars 'A Beautiful Lie' (no I'm not tired of it yet)
• Biggest annoyance: Constantly having to listen to criticism of my country and people
• Looking forward to: Basse arriving in about two weeks. Oh and my parents arriving as well. Haha.
  

D asks: Which of the following actresses has the most sex appeal in your opinion? Angelina Jolie Keira Knightly Natalie Portman Marilyn Monroe view results

Watching one of those 'Top people of Hollywood and their weddings, weirdness and totally unrealistic wants and goals'-programmes it struck me how many women I find myself saying 'Wow, she's not looking her best, is she?' Naturally I write most of that attitude off as me just being a jealous, pudgy being, but to me it really seems as if sex appeal has stepped into a totally different dimension. In general it seems as if the more artificial and plastic a person looks, the more appealing they become in the media. And the less clothes they wear, the higher the appeal. What we have earlier found artistically beautiful, such as the human body in the nude, has turned into a status symbol. The harder the buttock the more appeal. And it's really a shame that we are so focused all the time on becoming alike. I've been involved in several discussions concerning whether or not I'd want to be like the people we see in the magazines and on billboards. I often wonder if the people who start these discussions have any idea how the people in magazines and on billboards look before Mr Retouch comes along.

Whatever happened to natural beauty? Can we safely conclude that it's hit the road and probably won't be back sometime soon? I love Dove for doing this campaign though, it's been very refreshing for someone, who doesn't have the service of Mr Retouch at hand every time she's set to leave the house. If sex appeal is all about covering up yourself and the features your parents' genes mixed for you, then I don't think I want any.

And according to a Blogthings quiz I am:

You Are 55% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: High You're quite sexy, and you're probably at least partially aware of your powers. Don't let your self doubt ever get the best of you. You're even more attractive than you know.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

Have a go yourself and see how you do. We all just might be a whole lot more attractive than we give ourselves credit for. Or not... in the end I guess, it's all still in the eye of the beholder. And thank f*** for that.

Randomness...

Currently hearing: Dilba 'I'm Sorry'

Currently craving: 'Blonde' - miniseries from 2001 about Marilyn Monroe

Feeling: Nostalgic/emotional/exhausted

Today is my Dad's 54th birthday! So happy birthday Dad. I spoke to him earlier and he seemed to be in great form. Johan and I gave him a CD and some socks - such a 'dad-present'. But he enjoyed it so that was awesome.

I don't know if it's a mix between staying up late - which leads to sleeping in till around noon most days - and my panic attacks, but I am just extremely exhausted these days. Nothing much happens really, so I have a lot of free time on my hands to just let my thoughts wander. Basically I think about everything from 'there's dust on our shelves' to 'what's the meaning of life', but when I sit down and want to write about it, all thoughts scatter like rats from light. It's funny how I can be so unfocused one second, very concentrated the next and then totally distrait and unfocused again. Suppose it's all just because these times are as random as they are for me. Everything is sort of at an arm's length and when thinking of the things I need and want to do, I always have to wait a bit. I'm in a waiting position and it's turning me into this unfocused, panic attack stricken monster. But to turn the negatives into positives it's at least a lesson in patience for me, something I can also lack quite a bit sometimes. Not so much when it's about other people, but when it's about me and things I want for myself I can be totally impatient.

Today I wanted to write something funny, inspiring and interesting, but I guess the creativity can't stretch to all days. Besides it's better to write something than nothing at all, right?

“It's all make believe, isn't it?”

Count your lucky stars...

Currently hearing: Take That 'Love ain't here anymore'.

Biggest annoyance: Think my contact lenses might be wrong, swear to Gene Kelly I feel cross eyed.

Number of episodes of Family Guy watched: About a billion

Sometimes you make plans to do something and then something as lame as the weather can result in you changing your mind. So in stead of staying at my in-laws' house for the weekend, we decided to stay in Lund and just vegetate. It's been raining a whole lot and our motive for going to Helsingborg was originally to enjoy the luxury of the garden with pool. Not as much fun in the pouring rain and during thunderstorms, but I suppose it depends on the stakes. Wearing an antenna-hat might have made it a tad bit more exciting. And then only a bit.

Do we count our lucky stars often enough? Or do we tend to take what some would call 'the blessings' in our lives for granted? It's as if we sometimes need to remind ourselves to be thankful for what we have, whether it's our family, our friends, our lovers, our health - both physical and mental, our jobs, etc. We live in a day and age where we're in constant need of making choices for ourselves to achieve 'happiness', and to select the appropriate cornerstones to build a future that in the end will result in a life we look back upon with pride. There are elements of this build that hold the construction up with no strain. To me that's Johan. Sometimes it feels like my life construction is about to come tumbling down, but there he is holding up the entire thing without blinking and without asking questions or demanding explanations. He unconditionally saves my butt without complaining or demanding refunds. He is by far the most unselfish person I know. Imagine always knowing that no matter how badly you screw up or how black a hole you're in, there's always this wonderful person with you carrying a torch and lighting your way, never leaving you alone in the dark. And all of this he does out of love; pure, red glowing love. Not because he wants something of you or expects you to be something you're not, but because he loves you so much that to him there's no questioning his constant support. I will never be able to count the massive amount of lucky stars I was given, when Johan came into my life....

When blogging becomes therapeutic...

• Currently hearing: Linkin Park


• Looking forward to reading: Alvin Yudkoff's "Gene Kelly - A Life of Dance and Dreams"


• Newest time killer: BlogExplosion

I joined a site called BlogExplosion recently to try and see if I could find a way to lure more readers to my site. Granted, this blog is mostly for me as I use it to get rid of a bunch of thoughts and experiences that I don't feel like bottling up. I've spent a good portion of my years on this Godforsaken planet hiding my feelings, labelling them as silly, unreasonable, dramatic. And in therapy, which I naturally ended up in as a result of my refusal to open my treasure chest of self-labelled horror, I learnt that writing was my way out of black holes. I was taught to write letters to myself and people who I needed to confront and in the end I figured that I might as well try out blogging. And by golly what an excellent decision it was, because it actually has extremely relevant therapeutic effects on me. I write myself out of my black holes and at the same time I get to feel like I share a little bit of myself with the world. Some people say 'Why would I share my personal life with others?' and I understand them perfectly, but to me it's not like sharing my private life at all. Very far from it actually. I feel like I provide both family and friends with insight into my at times rather complex mood and behaviour, while I provide total strangers with entertainment of some sort. I admit that I like the fact that somehow by writing these blogs I'll be heard. I have no hidden messages for anyone and if there are people reading my blogs looking for little hints aimed at them, they're searching in vain. I write for me and not to lash out at anyone. I write what I feel like sharing with the world and to constantly develop my creative writing, to stop myself from hiding emotions, but instead channel them out not necessarily in their direct meaning, but metaphorically. Blogging is my therapy and I use it for me and me alone.

One of the interesting things about BlogExplosion is that others can review your blogs. Someone known as '80760' wrote this about my blog:

Very interesting Danish woman confronts her life head on. Great words, thought provoking images, and decent writing. Not the flashiest of blogs, but a solid and worthwhile read, nonetheless.

If 80760 reads this, thank you so much for taking an interest in my blog and for spending time giving me good constructive criticism as well as good advice. It is much appreciated!

This is the story of my life...

Currently hearing: 30 Seconds to Mars

Currently watching: Family Guy

Currently feeling: Oh so tired and annoyed

Biggest wish: I can't say because then it won't come true

Today I spent the majority of my waking hours in a car going around Sjælland (that's Sealand -the part of Denmark where you'd find Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark - to those who aren't familiar with Danish geography). I had some business to take care of and then we needed to check out the areas where we're applying for flats. We found some really nice neighbourhoods so fingers crossed that we'll get something soon-ish. We're both really excited about moving to Denmark and in a way it has really eased a burden off my shoulders. I like Sweden, I really do, but there are just things I'm not willing to adjust to since I've grown up a spoilt Dane with too many privileges. Why is it that it's not until we leave home that we wake up to all the beauties of our homecountry? Do we tend to idealize these things and blind ourselves to the fact that they may not be so idealistic at all? I'm not sure, but I actually more than ever feel that Denmark is the best country in the world and that it is a privilege to be a Danish citizen. True, there are moments when being a Dane loses it's golden shimmer, like when some hotheads decide to make drawings that are inappropriate and when politicians make stupid comments that make the entire nation look stupid, but in general being Danish is something I am very proud of. I love our welfare system, our care for the elderly, our care for students, our healthcare system, where you don't have to pay to be examined, our schoolsystem, our democracy and the Danish ability to 'hygge' - a word that cannot be translated into English but in it's very rough meaning is about making yourself feel 'cosy'. Yes, see how awkward that translation just became? Much like the Irish's 'craic'. The word 'fun' just doesn't suffice, but it's something in that direction. Am I sidetracking? Yes.

It's 1am now and it's been a really long day for me. I'm a big emotional bowl of mashed and mixed experiences lacking it's secret spice. My creativity fell asleep somewhere between Copenhagen and Helsingør and I may possibly have forgotten it out in the car. Let's leave it to rest for the night. That way it'll be rested and ready for more escapades tomorrow.

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

And I'd give up forever to touch you....

Currently hearing: iTunes' partymix

Currently planning: A garden party at my parents' house.

Biggest love in the world: Johan

The writing may be tiny and in Swedish and that means only some of my readers will understand, but this is a loveletter from my boyfriend. I'm not going to translate it, because I don't want to. It's means the most the way it is. Johan is the most amazing man in the world with no comparison whatsoever. I'm not always a picnic to be with. I can be demanding, complex, emotional, confrontational, confusing, annoying, hysterical and uncontrolable and still he stands by me - no ifs or buts ever. In my wildest dreams I had never expected to find someone like him and I treasure him more than anything in the world. Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like mine?

What if I wanted to break?

• Currently hearing: 30 Seconds To Mars 'A Beautiful Lie'
• Best moment of the day: Entering IKEA in Malmö
• Funniest moment of the day: Talking to Katrine on Skype

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

(The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars)

Some songs are just feel-good songs, even if that possibly wasn't the initial idea. This song makes me dance and feel extremely happy inside. So I just wanted to share that. Go and have a listen, you just might like it too.

I had a really odd dream last night. I dreamt that my mother left my father after 32 years of marriage. She didn't just leave him for another life or another man. She left him to play professional football with a bunch of young boys. Now... many of you don't know my mother, but football wouldn't exactly be her kind of thing. She actually might even hate it passionately. Whenever my dad wants to watch a match on TV she leaves the room because she can't even stand the sound of football. Yet in my dream she refused to come back because she was going to realise her lifelong dream of playing football professionally.
This dream strikes me as totally out of all sense. I wonder why I would dream such nonsense. Often I find that my dreams have some sort of link to how I'm feeling in the days around the dreams, but this one is just so ridiculous that even in my dream I couldn't help but laugh at the whole thing. Have I foreseen something and will my mum suddenly head off to kick ball?

I had a nice long talk with my sister today. Was really nice to hear her voice and to just goof around the way we always do. I often wonder what life will be like for the two of us, so close and yet so extremely far apart. I guess the best thing to do is not to think about it, but just give it all a big go. You can't plan life and how you want things to be. There are so many unexpected factors popping up all the time and they're all part of your life story. Back in the day I figured my sister and I would always be in the same town and we'd always be popping by each other's houses for coffee, or in our case Pepsi Max. I guess our life stories are to be written differently, but that doesn't take one page out of the excitement.

So douse yourself in cheap perfume....

• Currently hearing: The sounds of Johan's PC game
• Current mood: Amused
• Number of burn wounds due to kitchen clumsiness: 2

Summer is upon us and as tradition is, I got my first tiny sunburn. In all fairness I don't burn very easily and it is a rather pathetic burn, but hey I found it worthy of a quick mention in the blog. And with that out of the way we can carry on. What we will carry on with I have no clue about, but I'm open to suggestions... No? Well alright then.

Johan and I spent the last couple of days by lakes and ocean just enjoying ourselves and relaxing. It's been great, but something has struck me. Swedish people are very skinny aren't they? And they seem to be rather unable to adjust to the more plump people (such as myself), who have decided that they too have every right to go outside in a bathing suit and get a good tan. I've at times during the last couple of days actually felt like a circus freak and it annoys me that it has to be like that. I see loads of people around with slightly odd looking breasts, bums, noses, feet - whatever! But you don't see me giving anyone 'the look'. Why are we so fixated on physical appearance and since when has it become a fashion show/meat market going to the beach/lake on a Sunday afternoon? Is there a unwritten rule that if you're overweight you're not allowed on the beach? Because in that case I didn't receive that memo. Funny thing is that a lot of people would probably write my annoyance off as lack of self confidence and true, I somewhat lack self confidence, but at the same time I could have been a big bomb oozing self confidence and it would have made absolutely no difference. People would still stare at the heavy girl and think 'My my... there's someone who shouldn't be wearing that'. It's actually quite funny come to think of all these TV shows promoting higher self esteem these days. 'How to look good naked' is just one to mention. They spend four weeks helping a lady with her physical appearance, but the whole idea is that she doesn't have to loose an inch! Not a single pound, because you are beautiful as you are. Mmmm... the nice lady gets a make over, feels wonderful about herself and starts dressing more appropriate according to her size.. I suggest we then slap a bathing suit on her and send her off to any Swedish lake and see how soon the stick insects can bring her back down to her original low level of self esteem. Could be an interesting experiment. I'd love to say I don't care when people give me 'the look', but I actually do. I think it's belittling. I think it's unfair and childish. And very shallow indeed. Someone recently claimed to me that all women want to look like the people they see in magazines. I actually don't, I'd very much just like to look like me... A perspective change in general where all shapes, sizes, colours and forms would just be accepted as they are would taste much better in my tea.

Beauty is skin deep as they say. You can buy expensive designer clothes, wear tons of make up or even

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's
So fitting, so fitting of the way you are
You can't cover it up

Somehow the stink gives you away

Your candle burned out long before...

• Currently hearing: Elton John's 'Candle in the Wind'
• Biggest moment of the day: Getting a call from my sis from a MCR gig
• Biggest craving: Big, cold glass of Pepsi Max
• Number of bottles of Pepsi Max in flat: zero

Nostalgia is a funny thing. The funny part for me being how it can occur in connection with something you have no particular connection with. I'm feeling extremely nostalgic about Marilyn Monroe these days watching documentaries about her and reading the biography written about her by Donald Spoto. She was dead long before I was even a twinkle in my parents' eyes and yet I feel much like Elton John when he sings:

'And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did'

My mother was never an admirer of Marilyn's so I didn't watch her films as a child or anything like that. One day I decided that I needed to know what the hype about her was. Several of my friends admire her greatly and all I really knew of her was that she might possibly have been assassinated by a Kennedy brother or have committed suicide. So basically I knew nothing. Now I feel I know more, but not nearly half of what this woman was. Some will describe her as a slightly dumb blond with huge knockers. I resent that... now. A year ago I would have agreed. Marilyn was in my opinion very complex and had a hard time finding her place in life. She was continuously casted as the stereotypical big busted blond, who the men would pine for and the women would wish they could resemble. She lacked self confidence, which often had a negative effect on her performances and made her allow others to belittle her in such an extend that she in some cases believed she deserved as little as she was receiving. In reality she was a woman with emotional issues and feelings of incompetence not only because of her inability to conceive, but also because she was always casted as what she described as 'nobodies'. Marilyn attempted to take her own life several times during her life and in 1958 she expressed her feelings towards life in this poem:

Help help
Help I feel life coming closer
When all I want to do is die

Marilyn Monroe was loved and adored by millions, but she had a hard time being taken seriously. Today she is without doubt a legend and loved by millions of people worldwide. Not just because she was a good, entertaining comedic actress of her time and a strong sex symbol, but to me also because she was human and she was open about her own humanity. We're suckers for tragedy, aren't we? Marilyn was 36 years old when she died, only 9 years older than I am now. When people die young it's as if we don't allow them to die, we linger over them and their memory until they become this legend we want them to become. Marilyn wanted to be remembered. She feared her measurements would be engraved on her tombstone and she would forever be remembered not for what she did and who she was, but for what she looked like. Luckily for Marilyn, her legend speaks of much more than the 37-23-36 she feared....

Goodbye Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all.

You're not a person; you're a disease

• Currently hearing: Daughtry
• Currently watching: Marilyn Monroe 'The Screen Goddess Collection' DVD box
• Current obsession: My spanking new electric juicer

Some things in life make you truly happy inside. It can be a perfect moment with your loved one, a beautiful song, a sunrise or sunset, a memory or smell that takes you back to early childhood bliss, a hug from a grandparent, the taste of a dish that just tickles your taste buds exactly as it should... Or it could be this little fluffy dog pictured above. 15 days in the company of Basse leaves such an empty hole when he's gone. How can I love a dog so much? It actually doesn't puzzle me to be honest. Basse is energetic, dedicated, loyal, fun and dependent on my care, and it's not for one second unclear that he loves me unconditionally. He's happy to see me anytime of the day, even if I only left the house for 3½ minutes to get the groceries from the car. He'll sleep by my feet all night and the happiness that little bugger exudes when asked 'Do you want to go for a walk?' (or any words that rhyme with 'Skal vi gå en tur?') is just contagious. He makes me genuinely happy inside, even when I don't think I am. And that's a little dog worth loving with every fibre of my being.

On Tuesday we returned from some time in Århus. I went over to have some last tests made and then we stayed and celebrated my birthday. So I'm 27 now... which funnily enough feels a lot like being 26.. or 25 for that matter. No big difference there except I can now get cheaper car insurances. Woooo.... And also it means I'm a tiny step closer to 30 - D's official firstborn child limit. Oh dear, oh dear. Jokes aside I had a really nice birthday with lots of great presents and my parents took me and Johan out for a luxurious meal. I was spoilt rotten by all my near and dear ones and I felt really special. Thanks to you all. You made a girl very, very happy.

I got to see Marianne a few times during my stay in Århus, which was really nice. I miss her often and so it's important to see each other when we can. Johan and I had an awesome time with Marianne and Morten Friday night and it was just so nice to see how much we've grown. Four years ago we'd probably have been drunk and behaving like fools in a local pub, but on this night we just had so much fun, laughed a lot and it was ten times more comfortable than the many times we've been out drunk and stupid. Marianne means the world to me!

Today is Mir's wedding day! I'm sending all my thoughts and best wishes to the bride and groom. Hope you'll have a wonderful day and that you'll have a long, happy and love filled life together. To the bride and groom!

Overall, the last couple of weeks were awesome. I know I haven't been around much and I've totally forgotten to blog, but no worries, all is well. I discovered a lot about myself while being in Århus - a city I have fallen totally out of love with. I'm strong even if my self confidence fails. I have never felt good about myself, and I probably never will, but that doesn't mean I don't like myself. I feel I have become closer to my parents than I ever was by letting them see a side of me they never knew. I think I scared them, but at the same time I allowed them to be my parents - a job they're the only ones suitable for. ;) It's been rough but worthwhile and I am coming out of this happier than ever. I found some peace in the words of Chris Daughtry: 'You're not a person; You're a disease'. Most diseases can be cured, you just have to find the right medicine. And even if it tastes awful and you have a hard time swallowing it, you'll be a healthier you by just getting it down. So I'll pop the pills, down the oils and swallow my mixtures and be rid of my disease forever.

Do you remember when you were 15?

• Days until Birthday: 12
• Currently hearing: the sound of silence.. literally.
• Currently watching: My So Called Life
• Biggest annoyance: Having 'Buttons' by The Pussycat Dolls stuck on my mind - I mean wtf?!

Browsing through Play.com recently I bumped into a personal must-have. When I was 15 years old I used to watch 'My So Called Life' every Monday and I was so in love with that series. It hit a nerve with me being 15 years old and entering that stage where you personally perceive yourself as a grown up, but your surroundings -and your parents least of all - don't see you as such. The series is about Angela and the struggles she meets in life as a 15-year-old girl in high school. Her first love, her struggle with finding her voice in the bigger issues, her problems with adjusting and settling into a role she feels is forced upon her and the general ups and downs of being a teenager in the 90s. I myself was a teenager in the 90s so needless to say I felt like the series had been handmade for me.

When I saw the complete series for sale on Play.com I immediately ordered it and just the other day it was delivered to our mailbox. In many ways it's almost like timetravel watching the series again after all these years. I had quite a lot of the episodes on video and they've been watched through and through hundreds of times, but I can't even recall the last time I watched them. It is pure nostalgia for me watching episode after episode and recalling all the messed up emotions and awkwardness I myself struggled with at that age. I see so much of it in Angela (Claire Danes). Right down to the fact that she passionately hungers for Jordan (Jared Leto), who is so obviously no good for her, while she plainly ignores Brian (Devon Gummersall), the extremely intelligent and nerdy boy from next door. Watching it now, at the age of almost 27, I sit and yell "LOOK AT BRIAN!!" at the screen, while back in 1994-1995 I found him deeply annoying. Haha. One really changes perspective, huh? At the age of 15 I wanted someone looking like Leto. At the age of 25 I wanted someone with smarts and heart. At the age of almost 27 I am engaged to someone who looks better than Leto ever could, has smarts and a heart the size of my head. Fairytale ending? Yeah, I think so too.

Do you remember when you were 15? I do now after the first 7 out of 19 episodes of My So Called Life. I was the girl, who dreamt of performing and who did extra curricular music and singing. I was the girl, who loved and trusted her parents, but spent most of her time hiding from them, so they wouldn't feel disappointed when she didn't live up to their expectations. I was the girl, who tried her best to fit in, but was always in an inner conflict, because the morals of the people she surrounded herself with didn't match her own. I was the girl, whose father became ill with cancer which forced her to be strong. I was the girl, who hung out with the tough crowd, but got really nice grades in school. I was the girl, who wrote poetry and songlyrics in stead of being an impossible teenager and taking it out on her parents. I was the girl, who never caused any grief, worry or trouble for anyone - but herself. I was the girl, who dreamt so big and never realised that at some point those dreams would cause a fall. I was the girl, who would one day become a woman with such pride and joy in life as could never have been imagined.

12 years later and thinking about all of this can still bring tears to my eyes. Sometimes I miss that girl so much, but I am proud of who and what she turned into. She did well for herself and all her dreams will forever be cherished.

D.

Just because you can't spell 'drama' without a D...

• Days until Birthday: 13
• Number of worn out nerves: about a million-zillion
• Kilos lost: 2 (yay!)
• Currently hearing: Linkin Park "Minutes to Midnight".
  

Ah! Here I am again. Today featuring a little dragonfly I made from glass beads. I actually made several of the little dudes so far - out of pure boredom. But hey, job applications are out not much more I can do until I hear something from someone.

You're wondering about the title aren't you? I figured as much. I promised a drama-free blog and I'll stick to my promises, but I will let you in on some thoughts I'm left with after a little bump in the drama-highway aka the Internet:
Are cultural differences so significant that they don't only cause misunderstandings and awkwardness, but also cause total and utter lack of common tact? Can culture/nationality actually be the basis of an entire lack of tact and sympathy for fellow human beings?
A few years back I came to an understanding that was probably a little out there, but never the less it struck me that as a starting point all people are somehow evil. 'Has she lost it?', you're wondering, but no. Think about it. We harm others, judge them, back stab, lie, cheat, condescend, ridicule, hurt, belittle etc. - all the time. Sometimes we don't think of it at all, we just do it naturally, almost like an instinct. But is that cultural? Can someone actually hide behind 'in my country....'? To me there are different levels of 'evil'. With some it's really very innocent and seems to come from a otherwise respecting and caring human being. But then there are people who just totally lack all respect for others. They walk all over other people's alabaster-white feelings with muddy wellington boots while acting high and mighty, hiding behind 'cultural differences'.
Taking it a little further not only cultural heritage is a well working invisibility cloak, one can also at all times open a can of 'democracy, freedom of speech and dictatorship'. And if that doesn't work there's the good old fashioned insult, you know one step above 'yo momma is so fat...'-jokes. The insult that punches the air out of your opponent while you smirk along thinking you'll stand victorious.
It's all so textbook. Yet it surprises me every time how low people will sink to either belittle others or just to redeem themselves. Do I need to make you look bad to make me look good? No, I don't, because making you look bad makes me look worse. Kind of simple logic really. But never the less people are interesting and so are their conflicts. Often the bullies are in reality the bullied, which is an intense fact in itself.
I could go on and on about this, but I think my point is made. You can't spell 'drama' without D, but this D is one step ahead of it.
Rock on rockers! D.

Eurovision is dyyyyyyiiiiing...

• Days until Birthday: 15
• Currently hearing: "Leave Me Alone" by Hanna Pakarinen
• Minutes on exercise bike: 20
  

The finals of the Eurovision Song Contest are over and man was that an anticlimax if I ever felt one. All due respect to Serbia, who delivered the winning song, it was very nice, but not at all a winner in my ears. I think possibly I have just not tuned myself in for this contest for years now. I stopped watching back when Denmark started becoming an embarrassment, so that would pretty much be.... eerrrrr... back in the beginning of the 90s or something. It just turned into a yearly torment reminding me how absolutely out of rhythm we were compared to the rest of Europe. I now sit here, maybe 10-15 years later and think "What the deuce?!", because now it's not just the Danish music scene that is out of rhythm, I am too. Can I really be this picky about music? I mean, I sort of feel that I normally like most stuff on the hit lists, but today I sat for 3 long hours and felt like I was musically-challenged. None of the stuff except one song, the entry from Finland, appealed to me. I saw song after song getting the 'deuce points' and wondered "What am I not hearing here?" I guess, to be honest, Eurovision just isn't my cup of tea. Maybe I should just let it not be that rather than trying my darnest to be supportive and sympathetic with my neighbour countries and not forcefully try to build up that dreaded national pride when a drag queen much resembling a pink peacock rapist, takes the stage and does a number I swear I heard before. Maybe Eurovision just isn't for everybody, or maybe just not for me. I love the fact that it appeals to the vast majority of the European countries and that it opens a forum for exchanging of musical inspiration and cultural learning and I will continue to see it as that. But to me? The spirit of Eurovision is dying in political, biased connections countries in between. It is not a contest anymore, it's a cockfight. And the music suffers.

On a more cheerful note it's after midnight which means it's mother's day in Denmark. Happy mother's day to my mum, the loveliest most fantastic woman in the world. Much love to you.

Rock on rockers and enjoy the Finnish entry in Eurovision, the gorgeous Hanna.

Let me entertain you....

• Days until Birthday: 17
• Currently hearing: "Daughtry" by Daughtry
• Most annoying current habbit: Quotes - here, there and EVERYWHERE!
  

Now this put a big ol' smile on my face. Stewie tapping with Mr Gene Kelly. I love it and figured I should share it with you all to put big ol' smiles on all your faces as well. Admit it, your feet are tapping along. Haha, I knew it.

I've been trying to come up with new and exciting ideas for my blog and so far I have added some links and stuff. For the playful souls among us, go to the bottom of the blog and join Prizee via the add I have on here. Play a few games each day, earn points (aka bubz) and win prices. Simple -yet good fun.

Today we watched the semifinals of the Eurovision Song contest. It was an awfully embarrassing experience watching it as a Dane. I can't BELIEVE we sent that dude to the finals. The number sucked so much ass! Needless to say we didn't make it onto the finals, but that's perfectly okay. I have all my money on Finland. Well... I actually don't have any money on them, but if I was the gambling kind it would be on Finland. Their song is the kind of song that I would actually listen to normally. And if The Ark wins for Sweden it would be perfectly cool as well. They gave us 'It takes a Fool to remain sane', ie. they are small gods.

Looks like I'll be in Århus for my Birthday. Johan finishes exams around the 25th of May and so we'll go over and be with my mum and dad for my birthday. That'll be really nice. I just wish my sister could be there too, you know.. having my family there. But it's okay, we'll probably get to see each other later this year, maybe around Christmas. Mad isn't it? We used to see each other like every day, now we might only see each other a few times a year if we're lucky. Madness!

Well, I'm off for now. Enjoy Gene Kelly and Stewie, it can actually be watched more than once... like 30 times and then you'll feel like you're going loony. Without doing drugs! Thanks Mr Kelly.
Rock on people.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...

• Currently reading: Donald Spoto's "Marilyn Monroe - The Biography".

• Currently hearing: Fall Out Boy's "Infinity on High"

• Days until Birthday: 21

It's a new dawn, it's a new day and time for some changes. A layout change for the blog, provided by my fiancé Aulin, and an attitude change for the author. I've been sulking about not getting the job I was at an interview for and really that's silly. In all fairness you don't always get what you want, right? And there'll be plenty other jobs and opportunities, I know that much.
Life truly goes on and never have I been as much reminded of that as recently. Is there anything more pathetic than people who keep stirring up trouble about the past? People who will go to any length to try and avenge their hurt feelings or maybe just the fact that they didn't get things their way. And funnily enough even when approaching the rather ridiculous matter with mature intentions, the counterpart doesn't seem to get the idea. In stead the little exchange of opinions is taken as some sort of blame shift. And in stead of leaving the matter at peace another bout of insults is spread into cyberspace. Here's my advice on the matter: Let sleeping dogs lie. Grow up, you might actually like it.

Well, I'm the kind of person who keeps her promises. And I promise that this blog is a drama-free zone. So now that I have spoken my mind it's over and done with. There will be no mention of it ever again as it's in my past and my past fits nicely where it is. Let's look towards the future in stead, it's far more exciting!

My friend Nadine provided me with the advice of the day: "Chin up girl or you'll get wrinkles on your neck". Stay wrinkle free rockers and keep your chins up!

April 24th 2007

The day of the job interview. I was quite nervous and possibly a bit scared. But it was a really nice experience though and they were so nice there. They asked lots of questions and I answered the best I could and they seemed really optimistic about it all, so all I can do now is hope. I won't know anything until Friday, possibly after the weekend. Long time to wait, but all I have to do is continue as if nothing is going to happen. I don't want to expect too much, although it's kinda hard not to do so with such a nice interview. They even thanked me and said it had been such a nice interview. That made me really happy. I relaxed quite soon after sitting down and was totally comfortable with the whole situation. I guess it just felt right to be there. So now I just have to hope that I'm right for them. Hope with me rockers! Rock on, D.