Just when you feel like you're drowning...

• Kilometres cycled on exersise bike: 20 km
• Looking forward to: Johan's 24th birthday this Sunday
• Best moment of the day: coming home from work

Today when I got home from work Johan had left for his lecture. I entered the flat with this melancholic feeling I've been suffering from for the last week or so and wasn't at all expecting the surprise my darling Johan had made for me. In our kitchen was a basket with 10 red roses, a mixed selection of nuts (my fave kinds), Maltesers and a card. I instantly felt these waves of warmth showering over me and I just started to laugh and cry at the same time. A very odd reaction I know, but I am odd these days. He is such a thoughtful, caring, loving, supporting and gentle man, I can't even find the right words for it. I know I'm not always easy to live with what with all my weird moods and tendency to try and hide my oddness, but he doesn't seem to mind one bit. And what he did today just proves to me how well he knows me and how sometimes he truly is the only one, who can bring me back from my pitch-black, bottomless hole. I love you Johan, so much more than words can ever say. Just when I feel I'm drowning, you're always there to pull me back up, and always long before anyone else notices that something is off with me. I can't believe I found you. I owe someone big time!

The pidder padder....

• I wish I had time and energy for: drawing, making jewelry, painting, reading, listening to music, sleeping in, hanging out with my friends
• I'm in love with: the new pink iPod Nano
• Sick of: wanting things I can't have

The pidder padder of tiny feet in my brain. It's funny because I didn't think there was anything that could beat the impossible, unbearable noise of my biological clock ticking. But now I hear tiny footsteps too. I dream about babies, I think about babies, I read about babies and I watch programmes on TV about babies. And altogether I'm wondering if it's normal. I've always been high on the thought of becoming a mother, but suddenly it's striking me that I can't recall any of my friends obsessing like this about becoming mothers. Of course a lot of them actually are mothers by now, so they needn't really worry about missing their chance, but before they became pregnant - was it so important to them? Did they feel as if they'd die if they couldn't have a baby? Or is it just me, who's being paranoid? I know I'll probably ruin my own chances of ever becoming pregnant by worrying so much about it, but I guess my anxiety over it kind of gives away the importance it has in my life. 'Stop worrying - stop thinking so much about it'. Stop eating chocolate, stop taking your job so seriously, stop feeling inadequate, stop missing your family, stop longing for material goods, stop expecting so much from people, stop sacrificing time on something someone else should be taking care of, stop feeling, stop sharing, stop living. How much can you stop before it hurts too much?

Put me out of my misery....

• Current mood: emo
• Current feeling: self pity
• Number of fits of hysteria: lots .... emo-style

Put me out of my misery... Just do it now. On January 1st J and me stopped eating things with sugar and fat. A very positive decision, which of course is the best one we've made in ages. But I'm just going to mention the connection between women who feel sorry for themselves and chocolate. I know some find it a total exaggeration, but personally I can seriously save a day with one single M&M. Seriously. I am not kidding you. So deciding not to eat those things has been like taking antidepressants away from myself and no, I'm not trying to belittle or make fun of people who need antidepressants, but those who know me also know my relationship to chocolate. I had an easier time quitting smoking than this. I am a chocoholic and it's not even funny. I've been doing so well with it, but today I just hit rock bottom. So I ate Maltesers and even though I was sure I'd feel extremely guilty about it, I actually don't. If I hadn't had some chocolate, I would have lost my friggin mind. And in all fairness, I have gone almost a month without - and no I have not even cheated once. Pretty cool, huh? But yeah, I decided that it was okay today even if it was against the rules. I'll be back on my exercise bike tomorrow. Besides what's the point in trying to make life easier and lighter if you get sad and semi-depressed? You might as well let yourself have that one day a month where you can have something yummy.

On a happier note my book finally arrived! I started reading it the very same day it arrived and I'm really enjoying it. It's very different from the film, or I should probably say the film is very different from the book, but it's still an awesome read. I'd definitely recommend it to those who feel like reading something that touches you in oh so many ways.

I was reading the paper on my way to work this morning. The tragic death of Heath Ledger was brought up in a blog and it got me thinking. I whine a lot, but I have nothing troubling me like he must have had. When I first heard that he had taken his own life at the young age of 28 I was shocked, but at the same time there's this little annoyance at the pit of my stomach. Not because I'd in any way undermine his troubles and worries, but because he leaves someone behind who didn't deserve to lose her daddy at the age of 2. If misery comes in such scales that you'd leave your little girl behind and not fight your demons, I'm grateful for my insignificant, minuscule miseries.

Lazy Saturdays and sleepy Sundays...

• Hours spent in front of the computer: Way too many
• Hours spent cleaning: 0
• Days until winter break: 20

'Is she ever going to shut up about that film?', they all wondered as they saw that once again she had somehow sneaked P.S. I Love You in to her blog. It was like a record with a scratch or a story without an end. No matter how many days that had passed by since she saw it at the cinema, she still seemed to be totally obsessed with the film. She was like a child the day before Christmas while she waited for the book to arrive in the post. Although she had made a deal with herself that she wouldn't spend large amounts of money on herself anymore, she had agreed with herself that buying a book wasn't as wrong as buying even more shoes she was never going to wear more than once anyway. Besides, life without sugar and fattening goodies is one thing - but life without any material goodies either was pure torture. So she had decided that she could have this one treat and waiting for it was like waiting for a snowstorm in the scorching heat of July. Patience was not one of her strong points, but she tried her very best. And while she waited she desperately tried to maintain that fantastic feeling the film had left her with. It was like seeing the world through different eyes and seeing something so much more luminous, grand and desirable than before. It was like she had been reminded of something she had long forgotten: Her life was fantastic.

So, snapping back to reality. Today we've spent a lot of time on our computers and a lot of time trying to snap pictures of our fish. But it's impossible to get them to sit still and pose so therefore there aren't really many pics for me to show. J has some in his blog that you can go check out. I'll leave you for today with a picture of Baby, who has become my personal fave, even if I know it's wrong to favour. I can't help it, she's just so darn cute.

'Close your eyes and I'll kiss ya'

A new blog design and the arrival of Baby

• Current mood: Extremely tired
• Listening to: Paramore 'Riot' given to me by J
• Best moment of the day: Bringing home our six new fish

J has been a darling and designed a new look for my blog. I just thought I needed a bit of a change now, gets a little boring otherwise. Change is always a welcome thing as long as it brings better times with it, and I think with my current hunger for creativity and my need to write this is a good change.

We bought six new fish for our aquarium today. J took some pics, but what with my design demands and all they're not up yet. We bought two blackmoors, two orandas and two tiny catfish (?) - you know the slimy ones who clean the tank. Not all have been named yet, but one of the blackmoors is called Elvis and one of the orandas is called Baby. I instantly fell in love with Baby when I saw her (no idea what sex it is, but I decided that it's a girl) at the pet shop. Baby looks like a baby, seriously. I of course can't support this with photographic evidence yet, but take my word for it. Some might say she has the kind of face only a mother could love, but okay then - I'm her mother and I love Baby's tiny little face - even if J claims they look like they have a tumor! Pretty awesome that my first idea of never being able to care about fish has been shot to the ground. Because I actually really find Baby cuddly and I can't wait to see her tomorrow. I'm a weirdo yes, but you still like me, right?

The one about the bedbugs....

• Sin of the day: Pepsi Max
• Regret my sins? : No. It's sugar free, give me a break
• Current mood: Sleepy, exhausted and happy

I don't really have much to say today. Just figured I'd pop in before bedtime. I've been up a little too late again tonight and tomorrow is my long day with six lessons and then two hours meeting afterwards. I really need to be rested for Thursday or else I end up totally numb, dumb and useless during the meeting and that's really the one time a week where I have to be super constructive and on my marks. So I'm off to bed now to sleep tight and I doubt the bedbugs will bite, because I reckon they chose another bed to live in after they realised that I spin around like a kebab rotisserie all night long. Poor things.

P.S. I Love You

• Level of hyperactivity: on a scale from 1-10, I'm about 17


• Looking forward to: Receiving 'P.S. I Love You' from Play.com, Johan's birthday, possibly buying a new car, seeing my sister for Easter.


• Number of sinful thoughts of Pepsi Max: 252

Yesterday we went to the cinema. Johan had gotten us free tickets for a sneak preview of 'P.S. I Love You', which I had been über-excited about seeing for a good while. The film is based on the book with the same title, written by Cecilia Ahern. I'm not going to be a spoilsport and give away the story, but I will say as much as it's one of those films which deeply surprised me. Not as in I wasn't expecting that it would be as brilliant as it turned out to be, but to me it was so... life defining.

The film deals with a very big issue that has popped up in my mind and showed it's nasty face quite a lot recently. The fear of losing the one you love. Not to someone else or because he just wants to leave - but to an illness. Suddenly going from having a perfectly 'normal' life with lots of plans for the future, to burying the one you were truly meant to be with for the rest of your life. Having found that very special someone, who matches you and mismatches you in all the right places and then losing him after only having had him for such a short while. I can't begin to imagine anything worse than that.

Having said that the film did something completely different for me. It made me fall in love with my life. I am so thankful for the life I have, for the people who are a part of my life and for the choices I have made for myself. People often say 'Life is so short, live while you have the chance' and even though it's such a cliche, I absolutely feel like that right now. It's true we can't just carelessly rummage around and never think about what we do, but we need to take the time to enjoy what we have - while we have it. Beautiful things last a lifetime, but a lifetime can pass you by before you even realised it had begun. Worrying about money, your love life, the mortgage, your job, how many wrinkles you have and whether or not your boobs are travelling southwards, just becomes so unimportant when thinking about the fact that we only have this one chance at life. I'm not a religious person so to me the whole idea of heaven and hell or life after death is kind of a big blur, but the life I have in front of me right now - that's my heaven, my hell - my one chance. Make no mistakes? Not at all, make as many as it takes for you to make it right. Feel the wind in your hair, cry all the tears that would have been dried up, dance in the rain and tell your loved ones how much you cherish them. Take that extra five minutes every day to just breathe and tell yourself that your life rocks more than your neighbour's. Regret nothing, but if you do make things right again. Don't wait with reconciliations. Swallow your pride for the moment and do what feels right. Love you life, cherish your time and never let go of that which makes you feel complete.

I am in love

Death of the Butterfly Queen

• Currently hearing: Backstreet Boys "Unbreakable"


• Currently feeling: Creative


• Currently enjoying: A can of Pepsi Max, which tastes a bit like heaven

In the White Forest there was a cry so loud that time stood still. Everything beautiful slowly withered away as all things living started to die. Rabbits lost their hop, birds forgot how to fly, fish no longer swam, deer hung their heads in sorrow. Lilies turned black as the night, trees shed their leaves, which covered the ground thickly and turned to dust. The agonising pain brought forward by the cry of the butterflies pierced through the forest and forced all bliss and serenity into oblivion. The Butterfly Queen had died. She lay softly in the thick dust from the leaves and breathed no more. Her elegance remained even in the deepest sleep of all, but her glow lifted from her lifeless body and travelled upwards towards the skies. For a while it hung over the forest as a cloud before it splintered into rays of moonlight that covered the skies and spread the message to all: The Butterfly Queen had died. No longer would her kindness be bestowed on all life in the forest, no longer would her beauty be admired. Next to her eternally sleeping body a man knelt with his face buried in his hands. The cry of the butterflies burnt his heart and the agony was unbearable.

"Never touch my wings", she had said. "If you touch my wings, I will cease to exist and with the end of my existence follows the end of the White Forest".

He had promised never to touch her wings. He had promised to love and cherish her, admire and desire her - but to never touch her wings. In the very farthest corner of his heart a desire had risen. A desire for her wings, a desire to test that which had been proclaimed wrong. If it was wrong, why did it feel so right? He had fought the desire every waking moment, but on this very day the desire had been too strong. She gave him kisses as soft as velvet, as she stroked his cheek and spoke words like the sweetest melody. Her eyes shone like emeralds twinkling in the deepest green colour he had ever seen. Her skin was white like porcelain and so soft to the touch his fingertips could never cease to gently touch her. In one single heartbeat, one second of the deepest desire, he had reached out his hand and with a finger stroked her wing. One touch - what harm could it do? The feeling was immense. He felt life run through him as he had never felt it before. The birds sang more lovely than ever, the wind gently blew through the leaves on the trees and caressed his skin, her eyes were more green than ever. If time would have stopped at that very moment he would have felt more joy and serenity than any man had ever felt. But time did not stop at that very moment. He was torn back to reality as she grabbed his wrist and pushed him away from her. There was a look of horror and utter disbelief on her face.

"Why?", she asked. "Why would you do this? You have killed me".

Confusion painted his face the colour white. No answer passed his lips as a tear streamed down his grey cheek. He watched as she sank to the ground and took her last, sweet breath. Sorrow struck him harder than the blow of a bullet. He watched all things around him die to the tuneless, sorrow filled cry of the butterflies, who all fell limp to the ground and were drained of all colour and life. Their soft wings turned to dust as they cried in mourning. The white forest died before his eyes. He fell to his knees, tightly held her cold hand and kissed her gently on the forehead. What would become of him?

And then there was nothing. He desperately tried to collect his thoughts as he struggled to find something - anything. But there was nothing. The White Forest had ceased to exist. The Butterfly Queen was dead and she had taken everything with her. Everything but him. He touched nothing, he saw nothing, he felt nothing, he inhaled nothing and screamed harder than he had ever screamed. But nothing came out. And in the middle of his self inflicted nothingness he lay down and closed his eyes to dream of her.

Friday, oh friday

• Currently listening to: Paramore
• Number of sinful thoughts of chocolate and Pepsi Max: 2376
• Pieces of chocolate eaten and glasses of Pepsi Max drunk: 0 (yes!)
• Numbers of kilos lost: 2

On Wednesday our little household grew a little. We bought two goldfish. We ( or I ) decided that they are to be called Moe and Paulie. Mostly because one of them swims around and looks as if he saying 'Moe... Moe.... Moe...' all the time. Might be his way of breathing - but looks more like he's saying 'Moe', so Moe he is. And Paulie just goes naturally with Moe so there. I've absolutely no idea if they're male or female, but who cares? They're fish, it's not like require non-unisex loos.
We can't have feathered or furry pets because Johan is allergic and I refuse to have reptiles because they're depressingly ugly and also kind of gross - well snakes are anyway. But fish was something we could both imagine having. In my opinion they are more decorative than pet-like as such, but they're quite funny actually. We'll buy more once we're sure the aquarium is at it's perfect levels and it's a good environment for the fish. Poor Moe and Paulie are test fish. But they seem to enjoy themselves in their own little fishy ways, so there have been no complaints on their behalf yet.

It's nice that the weekend is here. I've been really lousy at getting to bed at a decent hour the last week and so I feel a bit like I'm deprived of sleep. I'm probably not at all, but I need an excuse for sleeping in really late tomorrow. I guess I don't really need an excuse as such, it should be my right to sleep in on Saturdays. Especially since I need lots of rest to be in good spirits for work. I don't think it comes as a surprise to anyone that teaching isn't always the most calm and serene situation to be in for 4-7 hours a day. It's stressful no doubt about it, but it's also quite draining to have to grant full attention to between 22 and 40 pupils every day. I love my job truly and deeply though and wouldn't trade it for any other job in the world. Let's call it my 'calling'. I get to push a bunch of children in a direction, watch them grow as they learn and I get to make a huge impact on their lives. It's awesome - even if very emotionally challenging at times. In about 1½ year I'll be sending them on to new teachers and I'll become 'that teacher we had in 2nd and 3rd grade'. But I'll always remember them. Not just because they were the first class I got after graduating, but because they are inspirational. They were out of control and had been so terribly neglected in most subjects last year and now five months after I met them the first time they're on the right track. Awesome kids. Awesome job. Awesome!

Twinkle, twinkle little star...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder what you are.

Up above the world so high,

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder what you are....

"Before you were born, you were a star in the sky" - my mother

Happy New Year to all!