February 7th 2007

Once again I am in Århus for a few days. I had a meeting at the hospital yesterday where I got to talk to a doctor about my stomach aches. With my family history, where cancer is quite active, I was naturally very worried and anxious to hear what their tests could tell us so far. I can't really remember the last time I felt this scared. Luckily the doctor, who was so incredibly nice, could reassure me that I shouldn't worry too much about colonic cancer, as my symptoms and the bloodtests point in a direction of cronic colonic infection in stead. But naturally they have to do the cancer tests, mostly to definitely rule it out. And they also have to do further tests to see if it indeed is colonic infection we're dealing with. So on the 1st of March I have to go to Odder hospital, south of Århus, to have a coloscopi and a gastroscopic examination. Pretty nasty examinations indeed, but I feel relieved that something will finally be done. I've had more tests made over the last couple of months than I ever have, I think. It's a nasty experience and it really does put a good portion of fear into your life. My dad had colonic cancer when I was 15 years old and my grandmother had it when I was 16. They both had big operations and today they are well and healthy. But it makes me scared, you know the way? It's close to my genes somehow and ever since my dad was ill, we've been told that when we turn 30 we should be prepared to do these tests every 2 to 5 years. I'm not 30 yet, but I'm getting close. Might as well start now and keep a close look at my health. I'm too young for cancer, they say. But still... who can ever know? Best to be on the safe side and do the tests as often as they suggest and thereby get to live reassured that I am not ill. I'm just relieved that my symptoms and bloodtests don't indicate anything as horrible as cancer. I have an infection somewhere, they know that much and it might as well just be a colonic infection that needs to be treated and then I will feel much better.
Life is odd sometimes. It's the most beautiful thing, but at the same time it imprints such fear of losing it. Suddenly all the scare-stories you hear make a bigger impression than they ever did before and you find yourself fearing to have to leave all your loved ones behind and never get to live the life you so long to have. Your mortality somehow becomes so obvious, not that I ever believed I was immortal. Haha! I know I'm not, but I take my next 50 years of life for granted sometimes I think. It's as if I just decided that in a couple of years Johan and me will have a family and live happily ever after - fear free. But life isn't like that unless you make sure to take care of yourself and always take action when something feels wrong. I take action now because I love my life. I want to be around for many, many years to come. I want the whole package of children, house, car - all those things. And I will get it all, no doubt about it. I will be safe and healthy, because I fear losing my life and thereby act to keep it safe. Listen to your bodies and make sure to act when you feel something troubles you. Life is precious and beautiful and so are you.
Rock on my dear rockers. D.