Randomness...

Currently hearing: Dilba 'I'm Sorry'

Currently craving: 'Blonde' - miniseries from 2001 about Marilyn Monroe

Feeling: Nostalgic/emotional/exhausted

Today is my Dad's 54th birthday! So happy birthday Dad. I spoke to him earlier and he seemed to be in great form. Johan and I gave him a CD and some socks - such a 'dad-present'. But he enjoyed it so that was awesome.

I don't know if it's a mix between staying up late - which leads to sleeping in till around noon most days - and my panic attacks, but I am just extremely exhausted these days. Nothing much happens really, so I have a lot of free time on my hands to just let my thoughts wander. Basically I think about everything from 'there's dust on our shelves' to 'what's the meaning of life', but when I sit down and want to write about it, all thoughts scatter like rats from light. It's funny how I can be so unfocused one second, very concentrated the next and then totally distrait and unfocused again. Suppose it's all just because these times are as random as they are for me. Everything is sort of at an arm's length and when thinking of the things I need and want to do, I always have to wait a bit. I'm in a waiting position and it's turning me into this unfocused, panic attack stricken monster. But to turn the negatives into positives it's at least a lesson in patience for me, something I can also lack quite a bit sometimes. Not so much when it's about other people, but when it's about me and things I want for myself I can be totally impatient.

Today I wanted to write something funny, inspiring and interesting, but I guess the creativity can't stretch to all days. Besides it's better to write something than nothing at all, right?

“It's all make believe, isn't it?”

Count your lucky stars...

Currently hearing: Take That 'Love ain't here anymore'.

Biggest annoyance: Think my contact lenses might be wrong, swear to Gene Kelly I feel cross eyed.

Number of episodes of Family Guy watched: About a billion

Sometimes you make plans to do something and then something as lame as the weather can result in you changing your mind. So in stead of staying at my in-laws' house for the weekend, we decided to stay in Lund and just vegetate. It's been raining a whole lot and our motive for going to Helsingborg was originally to enjoy the luxury of the garden with pool. Not as much fun in the pouring rain and during thunderstorms, but I suppose it depends on the stakes. Wearing an antenna-hat might have made it a tad bit more exciting. And then only a bit.

Do we count our lucky stars often enough? Or do we tend to take what some would call 'the blessings' in our lives for granted? It's as if we sometimes need to remind ourselves to be thankful for what we have, whether it's our family, our friends, our lovers, our health - both physical and mental, our jobs, etc. We live in a day and age where we're in constant need of making choices for ourselves to achieve 'happiness', and to select the appropriate cornerstones to build a future that in the end will result in a life we look back upon with pride. There are elements of this build that hold the construction up with no strain. To me that's Johan. Sometimes it feels like my life construction is about to come tumbling down, but there he is holding up the entire thing without blinking and without asking questions or demanding explanations. He unconditionally saves my butt without complaining or demanding refunds. He is by far the most unselfish person I know. Imagine always knowing that no matter how badly you screw up or how black a hole you're in, there's always this wonderful person with you carrying a torch and lighting your way, never leaving you alone in the dark. And all of this he does out of love; pure, red glowing love. Not because he wants something of you or expects you to be something you're not, but because he loves you so much that to him there's no questioning his constant support. I will never be able to count the massive amount of lucky stars I was given, when Johan came into my life....

When blogging becomes therapeutic...

• Currently hearing: Linkin Park


• Looking forward to reading: Alvin Yudkoff's "Gene Kelly - A Life of Dance and Dreams"


• Newest time killer: BlogExplosion

I joined a site called BlogExplosion recently to try and see if I could find a way to lure more readers to my site. Granted, this blog is mostly for me as I use it to get rid of a bunch of thoughts and experiences that I don't feel like bottling up. I've spent a good portion of my years on this Godforsaken planet hiding my feelings, labelling them as silly, unreasonable, dramatic. And in therapy, which I naturally ended up in as a result of my refusal to open my treasure chest of self-labelled horror, I learnt that writing was my way out of black holes. I was taught to write letters to myself and people who I needed to confront and in the end I figured that I might as well try out blogging. And by golly what an excellent decision it was, because it actually has extremely relevant therapeutic effects on me. I write myself out of my black holes and at the same time I get to feel like I share a little bit of myself with the world. Some people say 'Why would I share my personal life with others?' and I understand them perfectly, but to me it's not like sharing my private life at all. Very far from it actually. I feel like I provide both family and friends with insight into my at times rather complex mood and behaviour, while I provide total strangers with entertainment of some sort. I admit that I like the fact that somehow by writing these blogs I'll be heard. I have no hidden messages for anyone and if there are people reading my blogs looking for little hints aimed at them, they're searching in vain. I write for me and not to lash out at anyone. I write what I feel like sharing with the world and to constantly develop my creative writing, to stop myself from hiding emotions, but instead channel them out not necessarily in their direct meaning, but metaphorically. Blogging is my therapy and I use it for me and me alone.

One of the interesting things about BlogExplosion is that others can review your blogs. Someone known as '80760' wrote this about my blog:

Very interesting Danish woman confronts her life head on. Great words, thought provoking images, and decent writing. Not the flashiest of blogs, but a solid and worthwhile read, nonetheless.

If 80760 reads this, thank you so much for taking an interest in my blog and for spending time giving me good constructive criticism as well as good advice. It is much appreciated!

This is the story of my life...

Currently hearing: 30 Seconds to Mars

Currently watching: Family Guy

Currently feeling: Oh so tired and annoyed

Biggest wish: I can't say because then it won't come true

Today I spent the majority of my waking hours in a car going around Sjælland (that's Sealand -the part of Denmark where you'd find Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark - to those who aren't familiar with Danish geography). I had some business to take care of and then we needed to check out the areas where we're applying for flats. We found some really nice neighbourhoods so fingers crossed that we'll get something soon-ish. We're both really excited about moving to Denmark and in a way it has really eased a burden off my shoulders. I like Sweden, I really do, but there are just things I'm not willing to adjust to since I've grown up a spoilt Dane with too many privileges. Why is it that it's not until we leave home that we wake up to all the beauties of our homecountry? Do we tend to idealize these things and blind ourselves to the fact that they may not be so idealistic at all? I'm not sure, but I actually more than ever feel that Denmark is the best country in the world and that it is a privilege to be a Danish citizen. True, there are moments when being a Dane loses it's golden shimmer, like when some hotheads decide to make drawings that are inappropriate and when politicians make stupid comments that make the entire nation look stupid, but in general being Danish is something I am very proud of. I love our welfare system, our care for the elderly, our care for students, our healthcare system, where you don't have to pay to be examined, our schoolsystem, our democracy and the Danish ability to 'hygge' - a word that cannot be translated into English but in it's very rough meaning is about making yourself feel 'cosy'. Yes, see how awkward that translation just became? Much like the Irish's 'craic'. The word 'fun' just doesn't suffice, but it's something in that direction. Am I sidetracking? Yes.

It's 1am now and it's been a really long day for me. I'm a big emotional bowl of mashed and mixed experiences lacking it's secret spice. My creativity fell asleep somewhere between Copenhagen and Helsingør and I may possibly have forgotten it out in the car. Let's leave it to rest for the night. That way it'll be rested and ready for more escapades tomorrow.

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

And I'd give up forever to touch you....

Currently hearing: iTunes' partymix

Currently planning: A garden party at my parents' house.

Biggest love in the world: Johan

The writing may be tiny and in Swedish and that means only some of my readers will understand, but this is a loveletter from my boyfriend. I'm not going to translate it, because I don't want to. It's means the most the way it is. Johan is the most amazing man in the world with no comparison whatsoever. I'm not always a picnic to be with. I can be demanding, complex, emotional, confrontational, confusing, annoying, hysterical and uncontrolable and still he stands by me - no ifs or buts ever. In my wildest dreams I had never expected to find someone like him and I treasure him more than anything in the world. Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like mine?

What if I wanted to break?

• Currently hearing: 30 Seconds To Mars 'A Beautiful Lie'
• Best moment of the day: Entering IKEA in Malmö
• Funniest moment of the day: Talking to Katrine on Skype

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

(The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars)

Some songs are just feel-good songs, even if that possibly wasn't the initial idea. This song makes me dance and feel extremely happy inside. So I just wanted to share that. Go and have a listen, you just might like it too.

I had a really odd dream last night. I dreamt that my mother left my father after 32 years of marriage. She didn't just leave him for another life or another man. She left him to play professional football with a bunch of young boys. Now... many of you don't know my mother, but football wouldn't exactly be her kind of thing. She actually might even hate it passionately. Whenever my dad wants to watch a match on TV she leaves the room because she can't even stand the sound of football. Yet in my dream she refused to come back because she was going to realise her lifelong dream of playing football professionally.
This dream strikes me as totally out of all sense. I wonder why I would dream such nonsense. Often I find that my dreams have some sort of link to how I'm feeling in the days around the dreams, but this one is just so ridiculous that even in my dream I couldn't help but laugh at the whole thing. Have I foreseen something and will my mum suddenly head off to kick ball?

I had a nice long talk with my sister today. Was really nice to hear her voice and to just goof around the way we always do. I often wonder what life will be like for the two of us, so close and yet so extremely far apart. I guess the best thing to do is not to think about it, but just give it all a big go. You can't plan life and how you want things to be. There are so many unexpected factors popping up all the time and they're all part of your life story. Back in the day I figured my sister and I would always be in the same town and we'd always be popping by each other's houses for coffee, or in our case Pepsi Max. I guess our life stories are to be written differently, but that doesn't take one page out of the excitement.

So douse yourself in cheap perfume....

• Currently hearing: The sounds of Johan's PC game
• Current mood: Amused
• Number of burn wounds due to kitchen clumsiness: 2

Summer is upon us and as tradition is, I got my first tiny sunburn. In all fairness I don't burn very easily and it is a rather pathetic burn, but hey I found it worthy of a quick mention in the blog. And with that out of the way we can carry on. What we will carry on with I have no clue about, but I'm open to suggestions... No? Well alright then.

Johan and I spent the last couple of days by lakes and ocean just enjoying ourselves and relaxing. It's been great, but something has struck me. Swedish people are very skinny aren't they? And they seem to be rather unable to adjust to the more plump people (such as myself), who have decided that they too have every right to go outside in a bathing suit and get a good tan. I've at times during the last couple of days actually felt like a circus freak and it annoys me that it has to be like that. I see loads of people around with slightly odd looking breasts, bums, noses, feet - whatever! But you don't see me giving anyone 'the look'. Why are we so fixated on physical appearance and since when has it become a fashion show/meat market going to the beach/lake on a Sunday afternoon? Is there a unwritten rule that if you're overweight you're not allowed on the beach? Because in that case I didn't receive that memo. Funny thing is that a lot of people would probably write my annoyance off as lack of self confidence and true, I somewhat lack self confidence, but at the same time I could have been a big bomb oozing self confidence and it would have made absolutely no difference. People would still stare at the heavy girl and think 'My my... there's someone who shouldn't be wearing that'. It's actually quite funny come to think of all these TV shows promoting higher self esteem these days. 'How to look good naked' is just one to mention. They spend four weeks helping a lady with her physical appearance, but the whole idea is that she doesn't have to loose an inch! Not a single pound, because you are beautiful as you are. Mmmm... the nice lady gets a make over, feels wonderful about herself and starts dressing more appropriate according to her size.. I suggest we then slap a bathing suit on her and send her off to any Swedish lake and see how soon the stick insects can bring her back down to her original low level of self esteem. Could be an interesting experiment. I'd love to say I don't care when people give me 'the look', but I actually do. I think it's belittling. I think it's unfair and childish. And very shallow indeed. Someone recently claimed to me that all women want to look like the people they see in magazines. I actually don't, I'd very much just like to look like me... A perspective change in general where all shapes, sizes, colours and forms would just be accepted as they are would taste much better in my tea.

Beauty is skin deep as they say. You can buy expensive designer clothes, wear tons of make up or even

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's
So fitting, so fitting of the way you are
You can't cover it up

Somehow the stink gives you away