When blogging becomes therapeutic...

• Currently hearing: Linkin Park


• Looking forward to reading: Alvin Yudkoff's "Gene Kelly - A Life of Dance and Dreams"


• Newest time killer: BlogExplosion

I joined a site called BlogExplosion recently to try and see if I could find a way to lure more readers to my site. Granted, this blog is mostly for me as I use it to get rid of a bunch of thoughts and experiences that I don't feel like bottling up. I've spent a good portion of my years on this Godforsaken planet hiding my feelings, labelling them as silly, unreasonable, dramatic. And in therapy, which I naturally ended up in as a result of my refusal to open my treasure chest of self-labelled horror, I learnt that writing was my way out of black holes. I was taught to write letters to myself and people who I needed to confront and in the end I figured that I might as well try out blogging. And by golly what an excellent decision it was, because it actually has extremely relevant therapeutic effects on me. I write myself out of my black holes and at the same time I get to feel like I share a little bit of myself with the world. Some people say 'Why would I share my personal life with others?' and I understand them perfectly, but to me it's not like sharing my private life at all. Very far from it actually. I feel like I provide both family and friends with insight into my at times rather complex mood and behaviour, while I provide total strangers with entertainment of some sort. I admit that I like the fact that somehow by writing these blogs I'll be heard. I have no hidden messages for anyone and if there are people reading my blogs looking for little hints aimed at them, they're searching in vain. I write for me and not to lash out at anyone. I write what I feel like sharing with the world and to constantly develop my creative writing, to stop myself from hiding emotions, but instead channel them out not necessarily in their direct meaning, but metaphorically. Blogging is my therapy and I use it for me and me alone.

One of the interesting things about BlogExplosion is that others can review your blogs. Someone known as '80760' wrote this about my blog:

Very interesting Danish woman confronts her life head on. Great words, thought provoking images, and decent writing. Not the flashiest of blogs, but a solid and worthwhile read, nonetheless.

If 80760 reads this, thank you so much for taking an interest in my blog and for spending time giving me good constructive criticism as well as good advice. It is much appreciated!

This is the story of my life...

Currently hearing: 30 Seconds to Mars

Currently watching: Family Guy

Currently feeling: Oh so tired and annoyed

Biggest wish: I can't say because then it won't come true

Today I spent the majority of my waking hours in a car going around Sjælland (that's Sealand -the part of Denmark where you'd find Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark - to those who aren't familiar with Danish geography). I had some business to take care of and then we needed to check out the areas where we're applying for flats. We found some really nice neighbourhoods so fingers crossed that we'll get something soon-ish. We're both really excited about moving to Denmark and in a way it has really eased a burden off my shoulders. I like Sweden, I really do, but there are just things I'm not willing to adjust to since I've grown up a spoilt Dane with too many privileges. Why is it that it's not until we leave home that we wake up to all the beauties of our homecountry? Do we tend to idealize these things and blind ourselves to the fact that they may not be so idealistic at all? I'm not sure, but I actually more than ever feel that Denmark is the best country in the world and that it is a privilege to be a Danish citizen. True, there are moments when being a Dane loses it's golden shimmer, like when some hotheads decide to make drawings that are inappropriate and when politicians make stupid comments that make the entire nation look stupid, but in general being Danish is something I am very proud of. I love our welfare system, our care for the elderly, our care for students, our healthcare system, where you don't have to pay to be examined, our schoolsystem, our democracy and the Danish ability to 'hygge' - a word that cannot be translated into English but in it's very rough meaning is about making yourself feel 'cosy'. Yes, see how awkward that translation just became? Much like the Irish's 'craic'. The word 'fun' just doesn't suffice, but it's something in that direction. Am I sidetracking? Yes.

It's 1am now and it's been a really long day for me. I'm a big emotional bowl of mashed and mixed experiences lacking it's secret spice. My creativity fell asleep somewhere between Copenhagen and Helsingør and I may possibly have forgotten it out in the car. Let's leave it to rest for the night. That way it'll be rested and ready for more escapades tomorrow.

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

And I'd give up forever to touch you....

Currently hearing: iTunes' partymix

Currently planning: A garden party at my parents' house.

Biggest love in the world: Johan

The writing may be tiny and in Swedish and that means only some of my readers will understand, but this is a loveletter from my boyfriend. I'm not going to translate it, because I don't want to. It's means the most the way it is. Johan is the most amazing man in the world with no comparison whatsoever. I'm not always a picnic to be with. I can be demanding, complex, emotional, confrontational, confusing, annoying, hysterical and uncontrolable and still he stands by me - no ifs or buts ever. In my wildest dreams I had never expected to find someone like him and I treasure him more than anything in the world. Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like mine?

What if I wanted to break?

• Currently hearing: 30 Seconds To Mars 'A Beautiful Lie'
• Best moment of the day: Entering IKEA in Malmö
• Funniest moment of the day: Talking to Katrine on Skype

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come, break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

(The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars)

Some songs are just feel-good songs, even if that possibly wasn't the initial idea. This song makes me dance and feel extremely happy inside. So I just wanted to share that. Go and have a listen, you just might like it too.

I had a really odd dream last night. I dreamt that my mother left my father after 32 years of marriage. She didn't just leave him for another life or another man. She left him to play professional football with a bunch of young boys. Now... many of you don't know my mother, but football wouldn't exactly be her kind of thing. She actually might even hate it passionately. Whenever my dad wants to watch a match on TV she leaves the room because she can't even stand the sound of football. Yet in my dream she refused to come back because she was going to realise her lifelong dream of playing football professionally.
This dream strikes me as totally out of all sense. I wonder why I would dream such nonsense. Often I find that my dreams have some sort of link to how I'm feeling in the days around the dreams, but this one is just so ridiculous that even in my dream I couldn't help but laugh at the whole thing. Have I foreseen something and will my mum suddenly head off to kick ball?

I had a nice long talk with my sister today. Was really nice to hear her voice and to just goof around the way we always do. I often wonder what life will be like for the two of us, so close and yet so extremely far apart. I guess the best thing to do is not to think about it, but just give it all a big go. You can't plan life and how you want things to be. There are so many unexpected factors popping up all the time and they're all part of your life story. Back in the day I figured my sister and I would always be in the same town and we'd always be popping by each other's houses for coffee, or in our case Pepsi Max. I guess our life stories are to be written differently, but that doesn't take one page out of the excitement.

So douse yourself in cheap perfume....

• Currently hearing: The sounds of Johan's PC game
• Current mood: Amused
• Number of burn wounds due to kitchen clumsiness: 2

Summer is upon us and as tradition is, I got my first tiny sunburn. In all fairness I don't burn very easily and it is a rather pathetic burn, but hey I found it worthy of a quick mention in the blog. And with that out of the way we can carry on. What we will carry on with I have no clue about, but I'm open to suggestions... No? Well alright then.

Johan and I spent the last couple of days by lakes and ocean just enjoying ourselves and relaxing. It's been great, but something has struck me. Swedish people are very skinny aren't they? And they seem to be rather unable to adjust to the more plump people (such as myself), who have decided that they too have every right to go outside in a bathing suit and get a good tan. I've at times during the last couple of days actually felt like a circus freak and it annoys me that it has to be like that. I see loads of people around with slightly odd looking breasts, bums, noses, feet - whatever! But you don't see me giving anyone 'the look'. Why are we so fixated on physical appearance and since when has it become a fashion show/meat market going to the beach/lake on a Sunday afternoon? Is there a unwritten rule that if you're overweight you're not allowed on the beach? Because in that case I didn't receive that memo. Funny thing is that a lot of people would probably write my annoyance off as lack of self confidence and true, I somewhat lack self confidence, but at the same time I could have been a big bomb oozing self confidence and it would have made absolutely no difference. People would still stare at the heavy girl and think 'My my... there's someone who shouldn't be wearing that'. It's actually quite funny come to think of all these TV shows promoting higher self esteem these days. 'How to look good naked' is just one to mention. They spend four weeks helping a lady with her physical appearance, but the whole idea is that she doesn't have to loose an inch! Not a single pound, because you are beautiful as you are. Mmmm... the nice lady gets a make over, feels wonderful about herself and starts dressing more appropriate according to her size.. I suggest we then slap a bathing suit on her and send her off to any Swedish lake and see how soon the stick insects can bring her back down to her original low level of self esteem. Could be an interesting experiment. I'd love to say I don't care when people give me 'the look', but I actually do. I think it's belittling. I think it's unfair and childish. And very shallow indeed. Someone recently claimed to me that all women want to look like the people they see in magazines. I actually don't, I'd very much just like to look like me... A perspective change in general where all shapes, sizes, colours and forms would just be accepted as they are would taste much better in my tea.

Beauty is skin deep as they say. You can buy expensive designer clothes, wear tons of make up or even

Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's
So fitting, so fitting of the way you are
You can't cover it up

Somehow the stink gives you away

Your candle burned out long before...

• Currently hearing: Elton John's 'Candle in the Wind'
• Biggest moment of the day: Getting a call from my sis from a MCR gig
• Biggest craving: Big, cold glass of Pepsi Max
• Number of bottles of Pepsi Max in flat: zero

Nostalgia is a funny thing. The funny part for me being how it can occur in connection with something you have no particular connection with. I'm feeling extremely nostalgic about Marilyn Monroe these days watching documentaries about her and reading the biography written about her by Donald Spoto. She was dead long before I was even a twinkle in my parents' eyes and yet I feel much like Elton John when he sings:

'And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did'

My mother was never an admirer of Marilyn's so I didn't watch her films as a child or anything like that. One day I decided that I needed to know what the hype about her was. Several of my friends admire her greatly and all I really knew of her was that she might possibly have been assassinated by a Kennedy brother or have committed suicide. So basically I knew nothing. Now I feel I know more, but not nearly half of what this woman was. Some will describe her as a slightly dumb blond with huge knockers. I resent that... now. A year ago I would have agreed. Marilyn was in my opinion very complex and had a hard time finding her place in life. She was continuously casted as the stereotypical big busted blond, who the men would pine for and the women would wish they could resemble. She lacked self confidence, which often had a negative effect on her performances and made her allow others to belittle her in such an extend that she in some cases believed she deserved as little as she was receiving. In reality she was a woman with emotional issues and feelings of incompetence not only because of her inability to conceive, but also because she was always casted as what she described as 'nobodies'. Marilyn attempted to take her own life several times during her life and in 1958 she expressed her feelings towards life in this poem:

Help help
Help I feel life coming closer
When all I want to do is die

Marilyn Monroe was loved and adored by millions, but she had a hard time being taken seriously. Today she is without doubt a legend and loved by millions of people worldwide. Not just because she was a good, entertaining comedic actress of her time and a strong sex symbol, but to me also because she was human and she was open about her own humanity. We're suckers for tragedy, aren't we? Marilyn was 36 years old when she died, only 9 years older than I am now. When people die young it's as if we don't allow them to die, we linger over them and their memory until they become this legend we want them to become. Marilyn wanted to be remembered. She feared her measurements would be engraved on her tombstone and she would forever be remembered not for what she did and who she was, but for what she looked like. Luckily for Marilyn, her legend speaks of much more than the 37-23-36 she feared....

Goodbye Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all.

You're not a person; you're a disease

• Currently hearing: Daughtry
• Currently watching: Marilyn Monroe 'The Screen Goddess Collection' DVD box
• Current obsession: My spanking new electric juicer

Some things in life make you truly happy inside. It can be a perfect moment with your loved one, a beautiful song, a sunrise or sunset, a memory or smell that takes you back to early childhood bliss, a hug from a grandparent, the taste of a dish that just tickles your taste buds exactly as it should... Or it could be this little fluffy dog pictured above. 15 days in the company of Basse leaves such an empty hole when he's gone. How can I love a dog so much? It actually doesn't puzzle me to be honest. Basse is energetic, dedicated, loyal, fun and dependent on my care, and it's not for one second unclear that he loves me unconditionally. He's happy to see me anytime of the day, even if I only left the house for 3½ minutes to get the groceries from the car. He'll sleep by my feet all night and the happiness that little bugger exudes when asked 'Do you want to go for a walk?' (or any words that rhyme with 'Skal vi gå en tur?') is just contagious. He makes me genuinely happy inside, even when I don't think I am. And that's a little dog worth loving with every fibre of my being.

On Tuesday we returned from some time in Århus. I went over to have some last tests made and then we stayed and celebrated my birthday. So I'm 27 now... which funnily enough feels a lot like being 26.. or 25 for that matter. No big difference there except I can now get cheaper car insurances. Woooo.... And also it means I'm a tiny step closer to 30 - D's official firstborn child limit. Oh dear, oh dear. Jokes aside I had a really nice birthday with lots of great presents and my parents took me and Johan out for a luxurious meal. I was spoilt rotten by all my near and dear ones and I felt really special. Thanks to you all. You made a girl very, very happy.

I got to see Marianne a few times during my stay in Århus, which was really nice. I miss her often and so it's important to see each other when we can. Johan and I had an awesome time with Marianne and Morten Friday night and it was just so nice to see how much we've grown. Four years ago we'd probably have been drunk and behaving like fools in a local pub, but on this night we just had so much fun, laughed a lot and it was ten times more comfortable than the many times we've been out drunk and stupid. Marianne means the world to me!

Today is Mir's wedding day! I'm sending all my thoughts and best wishes to the bride and groom. Hope you'll have a wonderful day and that you'll have a long, happy and love filled life together. To the bride and groom!

Overall, the last couple of weeks were awesome. I know I haven't been around much and I've totally forgotten to blog, but no worries, all is well. I discovered a lot about myself while being in Århus - a city I have fallen totally out of love with. I'm strong even if my self confidence fails. I have never felt good about myself, and I probably never will, but that doesn't mean I don't like myself. I feel I have become closer to my parents than I ever was by letting them see a side of me they never knew. I think I scared them, but at the same time I allowed them to be my parents - a job they're the only ones suitable for. ;) It's been rough but worthwhile and I am coming out of this happier than ever. I found some peace in the words of Chris Daughtry: 'You're not a person; You're a disease'. Most diseases can be cured, you just have to find the right medicine. And even if it tastes awful and you have a hard time swallowing it, you'll be a healthier you by just getting it down. So I'll pop the pills, down the oils and swallow my mixtures and be rid of my disease forever.