This is how we'll dance...

This is how we'll dance when,

When they try to take us down

This is how we'll sing it.

This is how we'll stand when

When they burn our houses down.

This is what will be oh glory.

I can't watch the news anymore. When the clock strikes upon the hour I switch off the radio. If I have to listen to one more complaint about Denmark and those goddamn, infamous drawings I will vomit. Last week several schools were burnt down all over Denmark. Last Saturday 185 fires were reported in a country with only 5 million inhabitants. That's a lot of fires. Especially since most of them were purposely started, not by your regular nut job pyromaniac, but by young people - kids - most of them being between the ages of 12-17. And why? Because some idiot made some drawings that were disrespectful and stupid and then decided to reprint them. With what purpose, I wonder? I don't care what his point was or still is, this has gone way beyond being a question of freedom of speech. It's come to the point were it's more about freedom of idiocy. And the people who react to the idiocy are just as bad. I'm sick of it.

Can I have freedom to be Danish? Or will I then go down in history as being one of the bad guys?

Even if I had 100 years left with you it wouldn't be enough

• Currently listening to: mixed things, but have been listening a lot to songs from New Found Glory's 'From the Screen to your Stereo'
• Currently reading: 'You don't love me yet' by Jonathan Lethem
• Kilometres ridden on exercise bike this week: 120 (yes, I know I'm badass)
• Days left of vacation: 1 (damn)

So my week off is almost coming to an end. It's been really nice with some time off to do basically nothing, but not lazing about as such either. I've gotten quite a lot of exercise done, which has been desperately needed and after only a week of intense workout I can already feel a change in my body, my stamina and my mood. So it's all good. I haven't really spent as much time feeding my creative hunger, but I guess you can't get all things done in one week. I'll have to save something to spend my summerholidays on.

I'm not going to complain about my week off almost being over, because in about a month it's Easter holidays and working for a month and then having another like 10 days off is a luxury I won't even rub in anyone's faces. So there'll be no complaining here. I promise.

One of the best things about being off work has been to spend time with Johan. We've had late mornings and late evenings, we've talked about nothing and everything, we've laughed at and with each other, we've bought each other little things and have taken each other out for lunch. It struck me suddenly that even if I had 100 years left with Johan it still wouldn't be enough for me. I can never get enough of him nor would it ever be possible for me to get to do all the things I want to do with him before we are no more. Enjoying, savouring and loving the days we have whether it'll be for the next 10, 40 or 80 years is all I can do. And I will.

Set me free before you press delete

• Kilometres ridden on exercise bike: 20 (80 since Sunday)
• Most exciting moment of the day: booking tickets to go to Wales to see my sis
• Days left of vacation: 4
• Plans for Valentine's Day: none, as it's commercial BS

Today was a really good day for me. I slept until 10AM, got my exercising done quite early and spent loads of time on the phone with my sister. Johan and me are going to Wales to visit K and Aled for Easter. We'll stay for 5 days and it's going to be so awesome! I'm über-excited as it's been ages since I went anywhere. I was in Finland in October 2006 to visit P, but since then I haven't been anywhere really. So I'm really looking forward to going somewhere new and exciting. But I'm mostly looking forward to getting to spend some quality time with my sister and just be our silly, lame, childish and humorous selves. How on earth am I going to live with myself for the next month?

I've been really good with the exercising lately. I've done 20 kilometres every day, which to some might sound pretty boring sitting around on a bike that doesn't move for over half an hour, but it's actually not bad. I've mixed a CD with upbeat music and then I just race on as if demons were chasing me. And I guess in a way demons are chasing me. For so many years I've been troubled by not being happy with myself and it's quite obviously not me as a person I dislike, but my physical state. I was born pudgy and will probably always be, but it's as if it's just gone to far for me now. We want to have a baby. But the way things are looking for me physically at the moment I wouldn't even dare to try and conceive. There's no way my body is strong enough for a pregnancy and according to new studies it's actually a bigger risk and more harmful for the child for an overweight woman to become pregnant, than for a woman to smoke all the way through her pregnancy. Scary, huh? I'm not going to risk anything, so I'm working my butt off (literally) so we can have our baby. Wouldn't you pedal like hell from that demon?

I finished reading 'P.S. I Love You'. It was a good read, but I'm not at all as touched and impressed as I was with the film. I had hoped it would have an even stronger impact on me than the film, but I kind of just finished the last page and started wondering which book I should go for for next. So all in all I think it's a good read and it does put a smile on one's face every now and again, but if it hadn't been because I saw Gerard Butler delivering all lines in my mind, I'm not sure I would have felt the same.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. A concept which has sneaked it's way over here, eventhough we didn't give a flying rat's arse about it just 5 years ago. Lots of people have embraced it as this one day a year where they get to be romantic and do something extraordinary for their loved one. For Johan and me that's what our every day life builds on. We don't need one day a year to remember we love each other - we have every day for that. So here with us Valentine's is boycottet. But to all who celebrate it, Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow. May you feel loved.

Hello, my name is....

• Days off work left: 7
• Plans for week off: None, but I plan to read, paint and relax loads
• Currently listening to: Paramore 'Riot'
• Currently reading: 'P.S. I Love You'

I have a week off work. It's not a paid vacation, so before you start thinking how lucky I am, keep in mind that it also means I'll have a full week's pay missing on my next paycheck, which in all honesty doesn't suit the poor thing. It looks pretty famished as things are, but I guess I shouldn't complain. At least I'm off student loans and the likes.

I started my vacation off with a little bit of painting. I painted the little guy (pictured above) in acrylics on Friday and Saturday. Johan was in the cinema with friends on Friday and I spent my evening covered in paint and enjoying myself immensely. I'll see if I can get a bit more painting done during the week. I hardly ever have time for it.

It's been a while since my last blog. I've been really busy both with work, but also with Johan's birthday last weekend. We celebrated him in style with my parents, Johan's family and his grandparents. It was a really nice day and I think he was happy with it. My mum was a huge help to me, as I had planned all sorts of things and in the end I desperately needed extra hands. Mum stepped in and saved the day as always. I truly love my mum. Without her I'd be lost.

We lost one of our fish last week. Poor Moe died Monday night and it was quite sad actually. He'd been acting really odd for hours and would go all limp and just float around, but then suddenly he'd start speeding around the aquarium like all was normal - yet a little more speedy than normal. He was dead Tuesday morning when we got up, so we sent him off to spend eternity somewhere else. We've been treating the rest of the fish for some sort of parasidic decease and they seem to be doing quite well. Hope Moe didn't suffer too much, but it's hard to tell, isn't it? His death made us aware that we had to treat the other fish, so maybe he somehow saved them. Yes... I just gave him a purpose in life. All living (or dead) creatures should be entitled to one, don't you think?

Just when you feel like you're drowning...

• Kilometres cycled on exersise bike: 20 km
• Looking forward to: Johan's 24th birthday this Sunday
• Best moment of the day: coming home from work

Today when I got home from work Johan had left for his lecture. I entered the flat with this melancholic feeling I've been suffering from for the last week or so and wasn't at all expecting the surprise my darling Johan had made for me. In our kitchen was a basket with 10 red roses, a mixed selection of nuts (my fave kinds), Maltesers and a card. I instantly felt these waves of warmth showering over me and I just started to laugh and cry at the same time. A very odd reaction I know, but I am odd these days. He is such a thoughtful, caring, loving, supporting and gentle man, I can't even find the right words for it. I know I'm not always easy to live with what with all my weird moods and tendency to try and hide my oddness, but he doesn't seem to mind one bit. And what he did today just proves to me how well he knows me and how sometimes he truly is the only one, who can bring me back from my pitch-black, bottomless hole. I love you Johan, so much more than words can ever say. Just when I feel I'm drowning, you're always there to pull me back up, and always long before anyone else notices that something is off with me. I can't believe I found you. I owe someone big time!

The pidder padder....

• I wish I had time and energy for: drawing, making jewelry, painting, reading, listening to music, sleeping in, hanging out with my friends
• I'm in love with: the new pink iPod Nano
• Sick of: wanting things I can't have

The pidder padder of tiny feet in my brain. It's funny because I didn't think there was anything that could beat the impossible, unbearable noise of my biological clock ticking. But now I hear tiny footsteps too. I dream about babies, I think about babies, I read about babies and I watch programmes on TV about babies. And altogether I'm wondering if it's normal. I've always been high on the thought of becoming a mother, but suddenly it's striking me that I can't recall any of my friends obsessing like this about becoming mothers. Of course a lot of them actually are mothers by now, so they needn't really worry about missing their chance, but before they became pregnant - was it so important to them? Did they feel as if they'd die if they couldn't have a baby? Or is it just me, who's being paranoid? I know I'll probably ruin my own chances of ever becoming pregnant by worrying so much about it, but I guess my anxiety over it kind of gives away the importance it has in my life. 'Stop worrying - stop thinking so much about it'. Stop eating chocolate, stop taking your job so seriously, stop feeling inadequate, stop missing your family, stop longing for material goods, stop expecting so much from people, stop sacrificing time on something someone else should be taking care of, stop feeling, stop sharing, stop living. How much can you stop before it hurts too much?

Put me out of my misery....

• Current mood: emo
• Current feeling: self pity
• Number of fits of hysteria: lots .... emo-style

Put me out of my misery... Just do it now. On January 1st J and me stopped eating things with sugar and fat. A very positive decision, which of course is the best one we've made in ages. But I'm just going to mention the connection between women who feel sorry for themselves and chocolate. I know some find it a total exaggeration, but personally I can seriously save a day with one single M&M. Seriously. I am not kidding you. So deciding not to eat those things has been like taking antidepressants away from myself and no, I'm not trying to belittle or make fun of people who need antidepressants, but those who know me also know my relationship to chocolate. I had an easier time quitting smoking than this. I am a chocoholic and it's not even funny. I've been doing so well with it, but today I just hit rock bottom. So I ate Maltesers and even though I was sure I'd feel extremely guilty about it, I actually don't. If I hadn't had some chocolate, I would have lost my friggin mind. And in all fairness, I have gone almost a month without - and no I have not even cheated once. Pretty cool, huh? But yeah, I decided that it was okay today even if it was against the rules. I'll be back on my exercise bike tomorrow. Besides what's the point in trying to make life easier and lighter if you get sad and semi-depressed? You might as well let yourself have that one day a month where you can have something yummy.

On a happier note my book finally arrived! I started reading it the very same day it arrived and I'm really enjoying it. It's very different from the film, or I should probably say the film is very different from the book, but it's still an awesome read. I'd definitely recommend it to those who feel like reading something that touches you in oh so many ways.

I was reading the paper on my way to work this morning. The tragic death of Heath Ledger was brought up in a blog and it got me thinking. I whine a lot, but I have nothing troubling me like he must have had. When I first heard that he had taken his own life at the young age of 28 I was shocked, but at the same time there's this little annoyance at the pit of my stomach. Not because I'd in any way undermine his troubles and worries, but because he leaves someone behind who didn't deserve to lose her daddy at the age of 2. If misery comes in such scales that you'd leave your little girl behind and not fight your demons, I'm grateful for my insignificant, minuscule miseries.