Knocking on the door of happiness...

Currently hearing: Prospective Pussy Cat Dolls members screeching like dying cats

Current mood: On a scale from 1-10 where 1 is bad and 10 is awesome, I'm 28

Looking forward to: Mum and dad coming, taking care of Basse, seeing K, garden party, moving, starting work.. SO many things!

At some point rough seas and desperate storms must come to a rest. Life provides you with a key to your own happiness and salvation. Having struggled for a while, treading waters until the last breath, I finally have solid ground under my feet. Life provided me with the key to open doors I probably wouldn't have opened, if I hadn't been in such deep waters and needed a way out before I drowned. My fiance, my job and my new flat are all the most precious gifts to me, gifts I have received in return for trusting the doors life has led me to. In dark hours where desperate emotions create an inner chaos, it's very close to impossible to trust life, at least for me. But once again the key I was given, was the key that unlocked a door leading me to my future - a future I dreamt of.

Life is beautiful these days. I turn everywhere and see beauty, but none greater than her.

I feel like apologising to her on behalf of all the awful, rotten and dishonest people, who took part of her life. If the world hadn't been so set on taking advantage of her, she might still have been here today. In about a month it will be 45 years since Sweet Norma Jean passed away. Remember to light a candle for her, I know I will.

I wish life had provided you with a key

Wind beneath my wings...

Just a quick post to say that I won't be online for a few days. We're heading off to Helsingborg to sort some practical stuff and so I can get to work faster on Monday. We'll stay at my in-laws' cottage where surfing the Internet isn't an option, so I won't be able to post blogs. But I'll be back next week with lots of news and exciting stories... *cough*. Maybe not, but I'll be back anyway.

Have a great weekend, dear readers!

Breathing is beautiful...

Currently hearing: All sorts of summer music

Best experience of the day: Seeing 'Zodiac' in the cinema

Currently feeling: Excited, thankful, content, proud

Okay, so is it just me or is this little guy pictured above just dying to move in with me? I was in an 'aw'-mood. He fitted perfectly.

So much seems to have happened over the last 24 hours. I've gotten used to so little happening and now I have this new found meaning, all these reasons to do practical things I've only been able to imagine the joy of doing. Everything from reading through plans of action of the school to figuring out retirement funds and so. It's a lot of work and I love every second of it, because it means that I am where I wanted to be. I've felt all choked up over not reaching my hopes and goals for myself, but now I'm here where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. I've made a lot of people proud and most of all I have made myself very proud. I logged on to check the school's website today and to see my own name in the list of teachers of the school... Phew, what a moment. I'm really, really proud of myself. I've doubted myself too much lately and there was absolutely no need to do so. I'm good at what I do and I have so much potential to be even better. How exciting is this?

We went to the cinema today to see 'Zodiac'. It was a really good movie and although it was 2 hours and 37 minutes long, it actually didn't feel like it was that long. It made me think a lot about how privileged I am having grown up in such a safe country. Last night we watched 'Bowling for Columbine' and after watching it I sat for a while and just contemplated the idea of growing up around guns, violence and fear the way many Americans seem to do. I'm from a country where we over a 15 year period had 744 murders. I know we're a small country with far less inhabitants, but still it's quite a difference. I remember when I first arrived in Dublin, my host mother and her mother were horrified to hear that I walked home alone from the nightlink instead of taking a taxi, as they knew how much violence Dublin was plagued by. Personally I didn't know and in my naive youth, having grown up in Århus where I could walk where I wanted when I wanted, it didn't come to mind I could be in any danger. Some would probably mistake that innocence and naivety as stupidity, but I think many Danes have a very relaxed and trustworthy outlook on life. I wasn't taught to be scared. I was taught to be careful at all times, but never to be scared. And up until I was about 23 I wasn't really afraid of anything happening to me when I was out and about having a laugh. But I've become more aware of the fact that the world is changing and we can't always be safe. But a part of me truly refuses to live in fear, I'd rather use my head than let fear get the best of me.

When we arrived home tonight the people living downstairs were having a party. A funny thought came to mind: Thank f*** it's not me. Growing up is a funny thing. I still enjoy seeing my friends, but my 'party-gene' is gone. I couldn't be bothered even if I had to. No, I'm more into the small things now, like the garden party we're having in a few weeks. It'll be awesome!

I'll leave you with this guy:

Chewing your food too many times becomes tiresome

When the slack is cut...

Currently hearing: Kelly Clarkson 'Never Again' & P!nk 'Numb'

Currently feeling: Stuffed, relieved and awesome

Number of major reliefs today: Three

You know that feeling when you've swallowed something too fast and it kinda sticks in your throat, right? It's like you can't get it to go down and slowly you start to panic. What if it gets stuck? What if you choke? Panic rises and somehow you start to make it worse for yourself. By panicking you somehow completely brake the object on it's way down. That's in a mild form how I have been feeling for the last couple of months in relation to my job hunt. I have wanted a job so badly, but not just any job. I have been searching for one where I felt I could get to use my full potential and still be challenged so much that I would persist in learning new and exciting things. Well the good news is that the object stuck in my throat finally went down and I now have a job! I was at an interview yesterday and they called me today and welcomed me aboard. I was so happy I shed some good old tears. The relief has been so massive that in a way I still don't quite get it. My body has gotten used to panic somehow and it'll be such a positive and productive change for me to finally get to do what I've wanted to do so long.

Want a real feel-good-song? You know, the kind that makes you feel empowered, on top after a falling out with someone or just in my case the feeling of having been cut some slack by life. I think I took my beating for now and I celebrate that with this song:

I was weak before now you made me so numb

I can't feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby

I'm numb, numb, numb

I leave it to your imagination...

Currently hearing: Pink 'Catch me while I'm sleeping'

Biggest annoyance of the day: Being thrown off the Internet all the time

Biggest craving: Cocio! (damned lactose intolerance)

In one single, breathless second everything changes from calm seas to violent storms. Waves of madness and sorrow throw themselves over her and though she fights there is no savior. She is powerless in the dark, unable to inhale anything but the sickeningly thick air of the deep. As black clouds of poison invade her lungs, she tries to convince herself that no harm will come to her. Her mind fills with thoughts of white summer flowers, rays of sunshine licking her body leaving such heartbreaking warmth, those hazel eyes telling stories of love and eternity. Her throat aches as if red string was tightly tied around her neck and slowly tightened. Though darkness has it's firm grip there is a tiny grain of light within the girl. It breaks through the darkness, splinters it's surface with rays of white light, glittering like stars in the darkest night. Save the searchlights, call back the knights, angels and Gods, the waves are retreating. They want nothing of her, but the scent of her fear and the failed attempt at blowing out her light....

Dear, dear diary, I want to tell my secrets

The one about sex appeal...

• Currently hearing: 30 Seconds to Mars 'A Beautiful Lie' (no I'm not tired of it yet)
• Biggest annoyance: Constantly having to listen to criticism of my country and people
• Looking forward to: Basse arriving in about two weeks. Oh and my parents arriving as well. Haha.
  

D asks: Which of the following actresses has the most sex appeal in your opinion? Angelina Jolie Keira Knightly Natalie Portman Marilyn Monroe view results

Watching one of those 'Top people of Hollywood and their weddings, weirdness and totally unrealistic wants and goals'-programmes it struck me how many women I find myself saying 'Wow, she's not looking her best, is she?' Naturally I write most of that attitude off as me just being a jealous, pudgy being, but to me it really seems as if sex appeal has stepped into a totally different dimension. In general it seems as if the more artificial and plastic a person looks, the more appealing they become in the media. And the less clothes they wear, the higher the appeal. What we have earlier found artistically beautiful, such as the human body in the nude, has turned into a status symbol. The harder the buttock the more appeal. And it's really a shame that we are so focused all the time on becoming alike. I've been involved in several discussions concerning whether or not I'd want to be like the people we see in the magazines and on billboards. I often wonder if the people who start these discussions have any idea how the people in magazines and on billboards look before Mr Retouch comes along.

Whatever happened to natural beauty? Can we safely conclude that it's hit the road and probably won't be back sometime soon? I love Dove for doing this campaign though, it's been very refreshing for someone, who doesn't have the service of Mr Retouch at hand every time she's set to leave the house. If sex appeal is all about covering up yourself and the features your parents' genes mixed for you, then I don't think I want any.

And according to a Blogthings quiz I am:

You Are 55% Sexy

Your Sex Appeal Is: High You're quite sexy, and you're probably at least partially aware of your powers. Don't let your self doubt ever get the best of you. You're even more attractive than you know.

How Much Sex Appeal Do You Have?

Have a go yourself and see how you do. We all just might be a whole lot more attractive than we give ourselves credit for. Or not... in the end I guess, it's all still in the eye of the beholder. And thank f*** for that.

Randomness...

Currently hearing: Dilba 'I'm Sorry'

Currently craving: 'Blonde' - miniseries from 2001 about Marilyn Monroe

Feeling: Nostalgic/emotional/exhausted

Today is my Dad's 54th birthday! So happy birthday Dad. I spoke to him earlier and he seemed to be in great form. Johan and I gave him a CD and some socks - such a 'dad-present'. But he enjoyed it so that was awesome.

I don't know if it's a mix between staying up late - which leads to sleeping in till around noon most days - and my panic attacks, but I am just extremely exhausted these days. Nothing much happens really, so I have a lot of free time on my hands to just let my thoughts wander. Basically I think about everything from 'there's dust on our shelves' to 'what's the meaning of life', but when I sit down and want to write about it, all thoughts scatter like rats from light. It's funny how I can be so unfocused one second, very concentrated the next and then totally distrait and unfocused again. Suppose it's all just because these times are as random as they are for me. Everything is sort of at an arm's length and when thinking of the things I need and want to do, I always have to wait a bit. I'm in a waiting position and it's turning me into this unfocused, panic attack stricken monster. But to turn the negatives into positives it's at least a lesson in patience for me, something I can also lack quite a bit sometimes. Not so much when it's about other people, but when it's about me and things I want for myself I can be totally impatient.

Today I wanted to write something funny, inspiring and interesting, but I guess the creativity can't stretch to all days. Besides it's better to write something than nothing at all, right?

“It's all make believe, isn't it?”